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wThursday, November 14, 2002 |
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email to a friend:
last night i was having a blast. i got home and joey [my housemate]
and i were having a dance party in my room, playing all these old records
from the day, adam ant and pat benatar and stan getz and aretha.
let's see, i had put myself in this little shell, and i finally got out
of it last month. i wrote a very long letter a few weeks ago
and i realized what i needed to do for myself. anyway,
i have this amazing mental control (some people think
it's a little weird) but i can turn things on and off.
seriously. my old roommate, he used to laugh at me.
i would avoid someone for just a little bit, and he would ask,
what are you doing ~ getting over them? and i'd say yes. haha
then i'd go back and resume my friendship and make it stronger.
my dad is doing better, work is progressing, and i'm in another positive
place for a bit and i just really want to enjoy it. i can't explain
it. but it's good. and it's all-encompassing. and i want to express
it, on every level possible. there's like this light inside shining
and it just wants to burst out through my chest.
i'm sharing a lot more to people who ask me things, and realized
that i don't have to be so afraid to open up. that i'm not weak
just because i say what's truly on my mind. or how i truly feel.
i have to get back in the world. i had no idea. i'm terrified again.
my break is over, actually, and my body craves interaction.
i work. i am a working human body. i am healthy of the bad things
that i cannot prevent. and i am finally aware and smart about the
things i can prevent. after years of being stupid, i made it this far.
i am a working healthy human female body. and it feels good to know
that. after a year of being mad at my body for being damaged, and to
see my father in the hospital for so long, and knowing that i will
battle my own battles again someday. i accept the moment. now.
i am clean of bad stuff. all bad stuff. unpreventable bad stuff. yea!
i am doing so much better. this weekend was great for me. dad was a
wreck this sunday, as well as my mom. she told me a lot of things
from her past which was really weird and heavy. times when you feel
as if you're nearing death, my family opens up on a level that i
wish they wouldn't hide in daily life. my mother & i had some wonderful
talks three years ago when she was having surgery to remove the breast
cancer (oh god! wonderful news #3! my mother was terrified of going
to her annual mammogram last week! and the results came back, and
still no cancer there! so three years! yea, mom! *sigh*) anyway, so i had
to take charge this sunday and monday. i was like, dad~ are you
giving up on us?! he said, no. so i said, then it's time to get
out of this hospital bed. no more sleeping/pain pills. request
physical therapy. it's time to start getting better. and he's
turned around this week. he was in a total depression and it
was completely draining to be in there most every night. and now
it's time to start getting better. jen (my sis) and bro-in-law
are coming in town this weekend with the twins. i told dad he's
gonna have to sit up, and open his eyes, and hug those boys with
every ounce of energy he has. and he seemed to take my advice.
it's thursday and he's doing miraculously better than just how
he was a week ago. i looked at myself in their hospital mirror
and i saw deep into my eyes and i said to myself, shit! i'm gonna
have to grow up now! and then i said, shit! i am growing up!
a couple of days last week i just wanted to sit with someone. sunday,
i just wanted to be in the same room as someone. not my drinking friends
guffawing. not my family anymore. just be in the same room as someone
as they read or wrote or played music, as i just lied there staring at the
ceiling knowing that in essence i wasn't truly alone. cuz i'm not.
although sometimes it feels that way so deep at my core, i'm not.
and if i am, it's a decision i have made for whatever reason and i
can also decide to reverse that decision.
this weekend is going to be quite full for me. my perspective has
changed on most everything. rather than dreading thanksgiving,
i'm looking forward to time with my family. instead of going out all
weekend, i'm looking forward to staying in round rock with my family
and the twins. tonight i will be in the hospital till 930. nothing
planned after that. tomorrow i will be in the hospital till 930,
then i'll probably go back with them to round rock. saturday,
we'll be in the hospital all day and then my house will be
breaktime for the boys (we don't know how long 2-year-olds can
stand a hospital room) so hopefully some of my friends will come
over to meet my nephews and we'll play with reini in the backyard
then we'll go back to the hospital whatever, then i have to leave for work
at 615 then later saturday night after i get done dealing blackjack
i'm supposed to meet some friends at deville for my friend's
bday; she's in from houston. but i don't want to be tired because
sunday will be a family-full day again. sunday night, i will sleep.
then start another week...
thank your lucky stars for everything in your life.
everything happens for a reason, and everything doesn't happen for a reason.
you draw you write you play you eat you drink you dance
you laugh you smile you cry
you live
posted by
reform school jill at 5:52 PM
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