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wThursday, February 27, 2003 |
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There are things I don't want to tell you
Secrets deep and dark
I am weak when I should be strong, and strong when I should be weak
I am the antithesis of all that is pure & good and yet pretend that I am holy
There are things I don't want to tell you
skeletons in my closet, pasts I wish I could deny
there are truths that have been forgotten
and lies that have forced their way into my reality
There are things I don't want to tell you
and things I never will, things I think my family
would disown me for if they even knew
there have been places I've ended up that I didn't want to be
there have been decisions I've made that I wish I could retract
there are lives I have hurt and many times my own heart broken
there are lost children and broken marriages and car wrecks and bounced checks
there is misfortune, disease, & lies. there are one-night stands and many bands
there have been kisses, near misses, and mistaken blisses
there are things I don't want to tell you
about my past about my future
about who I'll never be and who I never was
about the side of me you'll never see that I keep hidden with lock and key
there are late-night orgies and early morning gorgings
there has been gluttony and fasting, short-term and lasting
there have been many a night where I ended up I don't know where
and many years to get me far from there
there have been hotel rooms and dark smoky bars
there have been young and old, near and far
there has been hate deep in my soul and love I have denied
there have been nights I've been violent and days where I've cried
i have broken hearts & mended few, I have many a times been lost what to do
thirty years full of mistakes, regrets are few, as I keep learning what to do
there are things better left unsaid, accusations against my mother
there are bad thoughts in my head that I choose to not disclose
there are fears that if someone pried opened my brain
and really saw what was inside, they would lock me up for good
there are places I have been, odd people I have seen
there have been long and lonely nights full of broken dreams
posted by
reform school jill at 11:43 AM
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wThursday, February 06, 2003 |
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email to a friend who was upset with me for not keeping in touch:
my life right now consists of trying to be there for my family
trying to start a life of my own somehow
i have weeks worth of emails that i never responded to
that are sitting in my inbox, waiting for me to find time and deal
perhaps i'm in denial a little bit
i hardly even talked to anyone for the last three months
i had my own shit, on top of that shit
had surgery two decembers ago which all really fucked with me
i avoided my check-up visits for almost a year, then last october
i finally mustered the courage to go back in and was considered 'normal' again
i had a doctor's appointment last week and have been dreading the
results so much so i've been making myself an emotional wreck
hopefully, you will somewhat understand where i am coming from
was this too much information? oh well, you asked for it
if you want to talk personally with me lately, that is what i talk
about. death, cancer, health, life, love.
i am sad and happy and fearful and full of unexplained, unexplored
emotions
i wanted to invite you to the group outing we were having this past
saturday night, where joey was playing music i thought you'd enjoy,
where i was taking a break from my worrying long enough to smile
saturday was a beautiful day and i just rode around my old stomping
grounds on my bike, and smiled as i listened to the girl from ipanema
many of these mass emails, i don't even go. i just thought my friends
would like to know. i have sort of dropped out of 'the scene' since
october after my father was admitted to the hospital. people stopped
calling and emailing me, realizing that i'd either contact them when
i was ready to talk or go out again. or they stopped because they
respected my space. or they stopped because they didn't want to
hang out with someone who had the idea of death and cancer in their
head. many of my friends just like to 'have fun' and i am so not
in that mode right now. i have re-evaluated most everything in my life
this last month. and it's all a little frightening, intimidating
to say the least.
i was gonna try to email you when i had happy things to say. i was
taught to never complain (although i think i do my fair share of that)
my mother told me people don't like someone who complains. i am sad
deep down, and i have yet to overcome these feelings yet. perhaps
you never do, and you just let them find their place within your heart.
i have been seeing this boy off & on. sure he seems to like me,
but he doesn't really want anything and is probably moving in the
fall this year. so why do i bother? or what do i want out of things?
i don't know. for now, it's nice. so why should i complain.
because i just think that i'm no good at relationships in general
and i'm terrified of getting my heart broken.
i'm taking a filmmaking class. i realized that a lot of the time why
i didn't pursue creative routes such as writing or photography or
filmmaking was that my family (my father) saw these as cute
little 'hobbies' and that one shouldn't indulge too much time in
these activities and should be advancing in their career or their
'real job'
i have found bad thoughts in my head like
"now i have one less parent to disappoint"
i have found that i am too old to let my mother intimidate me
or instill guilt upon me
and my relinquishing her power of that, she has begun to use it less
by me just telling her that it's not working
i have found that i need much more financial stability in my life
that i need to start saving, investing, whatnot. i'm THIRTY!
i should have a healthy little nest egg by now, but i have nothing.
i must start now
i realized in november, that i have never bought a full set of tires
without my father's guidance, never taken my car to the shop w/o
letting my father intimidate them a bit on price. i realized that
there was a lot out there that i was taking for granted and should
have been more appreciative of the life around me when it was around me.
don't talk. DO.
is my new motto. i'm tired of talking about 'dabbling in writing'
i want to say 'yes, i write.'
i am afraid of the future. afraid of the past. afraid of death.
death is everywhere. handsome joel getting hit by a drunk driver.
waking up saturday with the space shuttle disaster. i have an
overwhelming amount of empathy and cannot think about the lives of
others without feeling everything they might feel.
catch up? i haven't caught up with myself long enough to let others
even know how i am. i caught up with a friend saturday and found myself
crying at the bar with her, finding emotions i haven't touched
since my father's passing, laughing with her, letting it out. i had no idea.
so i apologize, but only to a degree, for my elusiveness.
i just wrote this quickly and found more in my head that i didn't
even know was there until i wrote this. i will not include you on
mass emails, unless they are important to me and i'd really like
to see you there.
your girlfriend was kind to invite me to new year's day. thank her
for me. i believe i did, but i can't quite remember anything lately.
new year's eve, before going out, my mother saying good-bye, have fun
then almost in tears saying
please jill please don't let anything
happen to you. i couldn't go on if it did.
sxsw is starting up again, so what little you saw of me before
you'll see even less of me now, unless i run into you during the
sxsweek, which hopefully you'll be out enjoying some of the music
last week, mon i had class, tue i had a dr appt and stayed home that night,
wed & thurs i stayed in with a friend and a coworker and drank
wine. i am not the jill-who-goes-out-every-night anymore. nor am i
the jill with good news and a smile always. hopefully, some of this
sadness will pass. this year will be tough. next month is my bday,
may is my parent's anniversary, and june is his bday. i loved that
man. with all my heart. i think he is the only man i have ever truly
loved. i'm crying at my desk right now, but it's good. because at
least it means i can still feel.
i will talk to you soon.
posted by
reform school jill at 5:15 PM
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