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wTuesday, May 06, 2003 |
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thoughts for the day 02/19/03
well i've decided recently that i guess i should just start believing people
when they tell me i'm crazy. and just accept the fact. and then relish in it.
my analogies about relationships lately are about being in a band:
a relationship is kind of like being in a band
it's about how long you stick it out as a band member
it's how people view 'being in things'
like, are they just in the band having fun while they're playing,
are they in it because they just like to play and they'll play with anyone
just so long as they can play, but got no loyalty to a single band
or are they in it because they think they're gonna make the bigtime!
like this is it, baby! this is the one!
and then, you know, when you realize you've been playing the
same songs in the same band in the same town for so many years
and it sort of fizzles out because you've been through three drummers
in the past three years and you sort of wonder to yourself
why am i in this, again? and then you realize that it might be time
to bail out, either to start your solo career or to play with another band
because you know you aren't gonna be rich & famous in this band.
but that's not really what you're looking for. you just want people to
enjoy your music as much as you do. but then you sort of realize that
you're not enjoying your music as much as you used to when you started
in this band anyway.
so you leave. because it doesn't seem worth it anymore. just to play,
without feeling the passion.
and then the band replaces you...and hits the bigtime!!!
my friend the other day said something to the effect of "that's crazy as shit!"
then added, "man, my analogies are so complex."
last night, we were talking about peace-loving rioters.
i said, "you know what hippie mace is? deodorant spray."
i don't know if i made that up or not, but i was clearly cracking myself up.
man, i need to carry around a pen & a paper! fuck that~ a tape recorder!
i miss so much funny stuff coming out of my mouth that could be worth
something someday.
i received a list email with subject titled "shopping cart basics"
i thought how hilarious ~ shopping cart etiquette!
i think my friend at work was even talking about that recently
it could be along the lines of defensive driving meets common courtesy
and being aware of your surroundings in a grocery store environment
but then i read further and it's about paypal and other online options
and i start cracking myself up at my desk
i'm so not high tech, no matter how much i pretend to be...
i just found out last night that cyndi lauper's she-bop was about masturbation!
it's quite obvious now, looking at the lyrics, but heck! i was 12!
...boy, am i naive at times...
and brazil is about lobotomy?!
i think i sort of knew that...right?
yeah...pretend like you know what you're talking about, jill.
fake it till you make it, is my motto. yeah, i have no
idea what's going on. me just like the pretty pictures.
what a great tagline though: Have a laugh at the horror of things to come.
i read today on someone's site i do not know:
"[This site] is more a state of mind than a physical place.
It reflects my main goal in life: to accomplish as little as possible."
gee, i wish i could be so frank with myself.
i think listservs are great, especially the ones where you don't
know any of the 300 people on there. seriously, i do. i get to look
inside the lives of these other people i don't know. meet random
women in parking lots to buy a used printer. drive to strange houses
in south austin to pick up a red hat box on a front porch that i don't
need at all. but yeah, i enjoy living life like that. where it doesn't really
make sense, but i do it anyway.
they should come out with a new rock-n-roll line for tupperware
or something. you know, then tupperware parties could be 'cool'
and you could brag about going instead of being embarrassed that
you're really thrilled about the new line of FreezeSmart Mini Bowls.
you could add, but have you seen them?! they've got Pat Benatar
on them! they're awesome! i bought two whole sets this time,
Pat and the Lita Ford Collection.
yeah, never mock my tupperware party again, bitch!
[p.s. the above entry is fictional. i have never been nor ever will
attend a tupperware party. first you need to cook food items to
actually have a reason to store them.]
$7.00 Sales Specials: (thru 3/1/03) - Modular Mates Spaghetti Dispenser
w/choice of Bold 'N Blue, Black, or Hunter Green seals ($9.50 value)
awesome! give me all THREE!! i'll dispense your spaghetti, baby. yeah.
there's a well-known fact in modern society:
that a shower helps one stink less at work. yeah.
i'm gonna start ending all my sentences by saying yeah after i finish them.
yeah. until it gets real annoying and all my coworkers hate me. yeah.
but then they can just say, "she's crazy anyway." yeah.
people think i don't love myself. they couldn't be further from the truth.
i think i'm better than sliced bread! i'm just striving for perfection, which
lately i have found might be unachievable, but i haven't given up yet!
p.s. i'm gonna find the cure for cancer, too. oh yeah, and sometimes i set
unreasonable goals for myself, ya think.
living for the city
being me is like being an actor who's afraid of getting busted because
he's not really that good of an actor at all. like he was just captured
being himself on tape, and people liked it. and they're like now do this,
now do this. and he was like, oh i was just being me, i wasn't acting.
and then they realize that he wasn't that good of an actor. he's still
a good guy, but he isn't all he was cracked up to be.
yeah, i'm just me. but sometimes i don't realize what 'me' looks like
to the rest of the world. i guess it can be pretty damn impressive at
times. but i really don't know any other way to be. and then when
they expect me to be a certain way, perhaps how i was last week even,
i'm like hey! i'm just being me. back off. i can't be your me.
i tried to convince my mom monday night that she was crazy, too.
and that if i can go to therapy, she should definitely go to therapy.
i'm not going, but i thought that might convince her, if she realized
she had raised a crazy daughter. yeah, people tell me that i shouldn't
say everything that is on my mind. i'm like, why not. it's there.
why does everyone think that if you're full of self-doubt that
you don't love yourself
i want someone to love me not because they think i'm wonderful,
but because they know i'm flawed
i'm doing an experiment, one of many on my list
do you, too, try something new all the time?
new ways to think, new ways to schedule your time?
i decided lying in bed from 5am-8am this morning
that May would be the month of sobriety and health
that after sxsw and marleyfest and eeyore's that
i would take a break from the 'scene' and give my
body a rest and train for a month, see what happens
and maybe june 8 would really be the day that i
actually try to go through with this triathlon thing
that's on my list of to-do that has never been to-done.
eating healthy, yoga, sleeping right, and waking up
early, yeah, let's try this thing for a month, we
could do it for one month! (you like how i refer to
myself as 'we'?!)
another experiment. never (what's the verb for) experimentized
now michael jackson, he's the crazy one.
half the women i know around me are on anti-depressants.
and some men, too. is it really that we're all crazy, or is there
something just terribly wrong with our society right now.
why is everyone afraid to feel?
my friend told me something the other day--and i had thought he did
everything on his bike, he rides everywhere, hundreds of miles, but
never really competes, doesn't like competition, which is fine &
understandable to me. i was talking about filmmaking and i'm afraid to try
because what if i suck? i'm afraid of failure--he said to me in confidence,
you know what, i only do things i know i can do. i said what?! you ride
everywhere and you're afraid of nothing. he replied, nope, i really don't
do something unless i know i can do it.
that truly surprised me. i thought he could do anything. i thought he
would try anything. i couldn't have been further from the truth. and
he complimented me for the way i just throw myself out there at times.
with life. love. work. i had no idea. i thought i was a big wimp.
it's 1-2-3-4
as in 12:34
yeah, i'm going to whole foods now...
-afternoon. after lunch.-
less creative after i'm full and sleepy
so i was at the roller derby on sunday
and my friend rachael is convinced that i should try out
i informed her, that seriously, i cannot skate!
that i had my bday party there at playland last year
and i fell on my ass a few hundred times
well, at least four or five times, but still!
i had no natural skating ability, no balance,
and people were skating circles around me.
she said they'll teach you, you'd practice.
i said, i don't practice anything, i'd never
get better because i have zero discipline.
and she says, that's perfect! that's your name!
so...there you have it...if i ever do try out
for roller derby and if i ever do make it,
my roller derby name would be Zero Discipline...
posted by
reform school jill at 9:07 PM
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