|
 |
|
wThursday, April 29, 2004 |
|
|
 |
it's day one back and i'm already depressed. got in tuesday night and slept most of tuesday night and wednesday night combined. couldn't get out of bed wednesday. it's gray & cold & rainy here, and i wasn't expecting that. day one, talking to my sister, and she's already shot down my california dreamin' ideas. saying i'd be too old & poor to make it there. that especially did not cheer me up cuz i do not want to be in austin right now. it's 3 in the morning and i can't sleep. it's never been a good time to move to california. when i was in high school, i was gonna run away even before i graduated (i can't remember high school much but i don't think things were so good between me & my mom). i used to save up cash in this little red heart-shaped box. i know now that $2000 bucks wouldn't have gotten me far, but then, all i wanted was the beach and to learn how to surf. and to get out of round rock. working at beall's department store in round rock for my senior year, and i knew this was not where i wanted to be. and now, 15 years later, i'm still here and crying at 3am at my computer as i realize that i probably am too old to move to california and start over. i mentioned going to grad school and continuing to learn & grow, and my sister shot down that idea too. saying 35/36 was too old to re-enter the workforce and that school would just be a waste of time and money at my age. is it true? is my family always right? or is there something terribly wrong with them that they've forgotten how to dream? has she become like my father in stating that you're not supposed to like your job, you're just supposed to work? in high school, i picked this little town on the map in California, Oceanside, knew nothing about it, but that was where i was gonna go. practical mom, said i had to go to college first, then upon graduation, that is when i could go be a beach bum. but hence upon graduation, jill you need a job with benefits etc. After three years of selling plastic net, (yes that was my first *real* job out of college), i realized surer than shit that that was NOT what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. so i quit. and temp'd for a year. which was the best work year of my life. personally. not career-wise. i made no money, but worked at the state, typed email/novels/entries all day, which to this day i still consider them worth reading. and would even go lay out during lunch at a neighbor pool. well 26, i then got in trouble with johnny law, so it had to be done that i had to get a real job again to pay off some debt. then, in the past five years, with family and all, it's never been a good time to run away to california. right now, for the first time in five years, it is actually an okay time to run away from my family because they are all doing okay. it is the first time where i wouldn't feel loss or guilt if i left my family. if i don't do it now, i know i will rot away in austin texas. i know i am painting a very dismal picture, but that is how it feels right now at this very moment. perhaps this post-partum depression after travelling is even ten times more intense than post-partum depression of sxsw, but i don't see a future here. i see no growth. i see stagnant, and never-changing. and i see the world passing me by as i sit in a one-bedroom apartment in austin texas and just get older & older while going to work every day. i even want to go to grad school in austin if i have to stay here, but my sister said that was basically a stupid idea to just accumulate more debt. i don't have any debt right now, that's my point. i don't have any job, any commitments, any relationships, any illnesses in the family for the first time in several years, and it's my chance to run. it's my last chance to escape living here for the past 22 years of my life. i get my mother if she becomes ill later in life, so it's my last chance to be me before i have to take care of someone else again. sis said everyone is young & beautiful & rich in california, and i said that's just plain ridiculous. i looked up demographics in santa cruz and the median age is 33. i could move now, meet those people my age, and grow old there. walking the beach every morning and picking up seashells (and trash). sitting on my front porch in my hammock, with no money at all, i don't care. an old woman on the beach is how i see myself, how i've always seen myself, with my graying hair and the sand between my toes. and those silly white blousey loose clothing you see on commercials and movies filmed on the beach. but i've just forgotten and lost sight of everything, sitting here being somewhat responsible. practical.
day one, and i'm already so depressed i can't get out of bed because i see no future here.
maybe i just need the sun to come out tomorrow. and maybe i just need a little more sleep...
posted by
zenbetty at 3:12 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|