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wThursday, December 02, 2004 |
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What's new with me? Well the strangest thing about this week is that my
alarm clock is actually going off every morning. I haven't worked since
April, and as odd as that sounds, it's really not that odd.
What I've experienced this week:
At about 3pm, my eyes get really tired after staring at the computer all
day. I'm sure it was always like this, but I don't remember the feeling
this strong. The 'nap' feeling. Man, it is very, very strong. As in I need
one right now.
No seriously. So I bought some
blue sky cola cuz I wanted a little
pick-me-up in the afternoon. But I
believe coke & pepsi are not good for
you at all (because you know I'm so
pure with all my drinking & smoking.
But no, really, I don't do sodas.)
Anyway, so I wanted something a little
more natural, better ingredients. Come
to find out, these stupid blue sky colas
don't have any caffeine at all. Sure they
taste good, and I don't remember if the
point was to have the taste of coke or to
get a little caffeine in the afternoon.
But to hell with it. I did buy three apples.
I heard that eating an apple somehow
wakes you up more than coffee or coke.
Is that true?
We'll find out next week...stay tuned!
Another thing about being in a work environment, I'm gonna gain weight. I had
been eating real healthy these past few months. Not eating out, going to the
grocery store weekly, and eating fresh out of the fridge. But here, someone
brings chocolate chip danishes in the morning. Or there's always something to
snack on. Or someone lures me out to lunch (because I'm easily lured out to
lunch). And I'm drinking coffee, too, and I really don't need caffeine in my
life.
Wish list
Do you have a wish list? Not necessarily written down, but one in your head.
You know, I wish I were taller. I wish I were born in the 60s in San
Francisco. I wish I had a brother. Stuff like that. What do you wish for?
Be careful what you wish for...
I wish I were at home right now, sitting on my bed, with my laptop, watching
bad tv but not really watching it, with all the time in the world and nowhere
to be. My time off really was great, and I don't feel bad for it and I don't
regret it. I'm totally and completely broke right now. My mom asked, "Well,
did you find yourself?" and I did. I was never really lost. I just found
that I like to stay home and I like to cook and I like to browse on the
internet all day long and I like to comment on everything I see & witness
and I like politics and I like watching movies and I like going to the
library and I love miss kitty.
I had all the time in the world. And now, I'm working every day and I have
somewhere to be tonight & tomorrow night and all that time is gone already.
I don't know where it goes. You wake up, you work, then you don't want to
waste those few hours you have every night that you can claim as yours, as
your life. That's what I miss, that feeling of not having to cram an entire
lifetime in those few hours between getting off work and going to sleep for
the next day. And I'm there again already on only day three of work. I didn't
go out for a few weeks there, and now I feel like I must go out. It's a weird
feeling. Like wasted time if I don't live from 7pm to midnight. I could sit
in my bed for two days in a row without showering or talking to anyone or
leaving the house. And it wasn't wasted time, I was doing exactly what I
wanted to be doing, thumbing through library books, half-writing a resume,
researching and linking everything I saw on the television, learning html.
It was fun and interesting and searching and thinking and I want to take a
class now. But I'd feel as if I'd be wasting that one night of the week in a
classroom.
I was an extra in a movie one day, and that was the earliest I had probably
been out of the house in quite some time. And I stayed out (and awake) all
day. I probably have some thyroid problem. They say the thyroid affects your
sleepiness and your temperature. I'm cold all the time. I'm also a
hypochondriac, but in a funny way. I don't mean half the things I say,
sort of. Ya know?
I wish I could get those links to list on my blog, but I'm just not quick
enough to figure out all this html junk. You know, this is a tv/film related
entry, this is an austin entry, etc. I think that would be fun.
I watched Pollyanna on PBS the other night. Now, you may think that sounds
stupid, but it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I really wish the damn girl stayed
crippled though and didn't get better. That's reality. I hate happy endings.
There are no happy endings in life. Everybody dies. The jerk really does get
the girl. The nice guy finishes last. And those who bitch the loudest
actually do get what they want. There are no learned lessons in life. People
are still miserable awful people in real life and no matter how much I
smile at them isn't going to open their hearts. And true love doesn't exist
in the end.
Now, reading that, you may think I'm a pessimist. But I don't think so.
I'm just a realist. And if you want to fluff up your bunny world with cotton
candy, that's your business. But it's gonna bite your ass in the end.
My mom has bunny rabbits in her backyard. But they're adding a new
development right behind our house (in round rock) which has been vacant
for the 22 years she's lived there, and they're gonna kill all those bunny
rabbits and deer and we're gonna cover this entire planet with cement
because all these people won't stop breeding and buying cookie cutter homes
with no individuality while they vote for Bush.
I'm really not in a bad mood. Why do I sound so bitter and jaded? Oh,
because I AM bitter and jaded. I'm listening to Thin Lizzy right now and I
really like it.
Steely Dan sucks.
 The guy on Jeopardy lost finally. Ken.
After 2-1/2 million dollars and so
many months later, an ex-actress
turned real estate agent beat him
with the Final Jeopardy answer of
H&R Block. I probably would have
given up much earlier than Ken. I
really dislike competition of any
sort. I don't know why, just do. I
think all carnivores should have to
kill their own meat. Lenny Kravitz is
such a sellout now...what happened
to him?!
What's new with me? My alarm clock goes off every morning at 8am and that's
really disturbing to me. I didn't use an alarm clock for the last six months
except for about three times. I slept when I was tired, ate when I was
hungry, and barely drove my car. And I loved it. I wasn't bored. I didn't
have cabin fever. I wanted to be a housewife, without the husband or the
kids. I did laundry when my clothes were dirty (instead of now as they're
piling up after only one week of work and no clean jeans to wear). Oh, I cut
bangs! I mean, this may not be a big deal to anyone besides me, but I just
feel weird. I cut about 8 inches off my hair. It used to be down to my ass,
and now it's only halfway down my back and feels short. No one else thinks
it's short, I guess, but me. I look like a girl. And it feels weird. I don't
really like caring what I look like or wearing makeup or "gettin pretty"
for anyone. Cuz that's not what I look like when I wake up and that's not
what I look like when I'm on a beach for two weeks (man, I wish I were on a
beach for two weeks) and it just feels so fake to me. And then people
say something nice, and I just snap back and say, "Yeah, thanks, I bathed
this week." They don't know how to take me. Is she serious? No, I'm never
serious. Don't think about it too much. If you have to ask, you'll never know...
I sound like a spoiled brat. I should be glad that I'm working and employed
and getting a paycheck today. I am grateful. I am grateful that I have the
opportunity to make all these decisions for myself. I am grateful that I am
healthy and I can walk and I have no diseases and I can see and I can hear.
I am pissed off that my father died two years ago and was mad at the doctors
and the cancer and I don't think I ever got sad because I was too angry. I
should take an anger management class. But it would probably just piss me
off. I'm pissed off that Bush won again and that over half this country is
ignorant and closed-minded. And I am pissed off that my one vote did NOT
make a difference.
Whiskey in a Jar is a really good song.
I'm trying to change the template of my stupid blog. I like this blog
layout somewhat, but I want to keep my links, archives, profiles, etc on
one side. But I like the 'comments' and 'recent posts' and dammit, I just
want the best of both worlds. I'm trying to figure out this damn html b.s.
crap and I just get so frustrated it makes me want to cry. I need to take a
class in an actual classroom setting so I'm stuck in there and forced to
learn. I have no self-discipline. Zero discipline. That's my roller derby
name.
Will someone just do it for me? I realize why people pay people to do
things. I wish I had a skill that I could barter tasks & labor for. Is
whining a skill? Drinking? It says I could have links as a list, and that'd
be cool. Wish I could figure this damn thing out.
I love that I'm not miserable. I mean, sure I'm complaining a bit now, but
I hear people bitch & bitch & bitch at work, and damn, they're just so
miserable. I'm like, here's a gun, get it over with. I'm generally happy.
Last night, I was having a blast. I hadn't been out in a few days and I
don't care what people think of me (which is both good and bad) so I was
just being goofy as all get out. But damn, I think I bitch here in writing
just a little bit because nobody really reads this and it's a way to get it
out, but I mean come on, people who just have conversation after
conversation of how awful they are, damn. I can't be around that. You know
the old saying, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at
all. Perhaps that's why I keep everything in. One day I'll explode I'm sure.
But damn, nobody wants to hear how terrible you are. And what a bitch you
are. And on and on. Zip it already!
Here's an email to a friend yesterday which applies to most of you out
there, forgive me for not keeping in touch this year but I didn't have
anything new to say...
sorry i never got back to you that weekend you were in town but (excuses, excuses, excuses) it was cold & rainy & i had absolutely no money. i still don't. just started back up at work this past monday at xxxx again, the first time working since this past april! and i have no money. gonna put it on my credit card and pay it back after the paychecks start coming in. although i don't make much more than unemployment here.
i stayed in all weekend and didn't do anything. i've been doing that a lot lately, the not doing anything on the weekends thing. i'm not depressed, just staying warm and watching bad tv (free) and got my wireless card up n running on my laptop so been online a lot. i just wasn't up for socializing AT ALL the weekend you were in town. i don't know. i've been up & down. don't know if you know, but my father passed away two years ago during thanksgiving time, nov 23. and the 26th is my mom's birthday. so i feel a little more focused on family these days during the holidays rather than on me partying like it used to be in the good ol' days, but that's good i guess for the most part. also, i have no money to go partying like the good ol' days. i'm sure that will all change next year. i'll have to get back into the routine of a 'regular' job again, come next May, so wish me luck then. but for now, i'm just gonna hang out at xxxx and work here the next few months, which i think is still the right move for me.
sorry i haven't kept in touch much. i haven't kept in touch with anyone much, not that it makes it all right. but more like there was nothing new to say, when people ask, "what's new?" the answer kept being "nothing" and that kept being boring, so i just disconnected myself from everyone till i had something new to say. ya know, not working, not dating anyone, not doing anything of much really, so what kind of conversation is there besides “did you catch oprah today?” i mean, c'mon. well, i'm getting out of bed now daily, which is actually a change. after kerry lost, i really didn't get out of bed for a couple of days. i lost my faith in the american public, in its intelligence. but now i realize i have to move on. austin really is a little oasis in this big red state of texas. dallas wasn't so bad when i visited over thanksgiving. we went to the mall with the nephews and everyone wasn't dressed to the T as i thought they would be, which was nice. to see a little reality there. people were somewhat friendly, too, surprisingly for the day after thanksgiving in a crowded mall. i think i'm getting old and bitter and somewhat jaded as i intermingle with the same types of fellas in this town. what do i want though? you know, do any of us really know? or is it so much easier for us all just to point out exactly what we don't want? what do you want?
i've lost contact with so many people, i just hope that a few of them will let me back into their lives. signing off for now, but seriously, please keep in touch.
--
Slow Blues is a good song too.
I contradict myself. Fuck it. Disregard this post.
Cruising in the Lizzy Mobile. I love this shit!
You may be right. I may be crazy.
But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for.
I had Freebirds for lunch. They should really rename those to
"Free trip to the bathroom immediately, do not pass go, do not
collect $200."
If I were to write a song, here would be one of my lyrics:
I am the same ol' person from the time before.
Nothing much has changed.
That doesn't rhyme at all. That's a stupid song lyric.
I hate the dancing, smiling paper clip at the bottom of Word.
Oh, another thing about being in a work environment, I always walk out of
the bathroom still zipping up my jeans, and then reaching my hand down the
back of my pants to push my underwear out of my crack. I have to remember
that I'm in public again and not just in the privacy of my own home alone.
One good thing about working again, my mom won't ask me what I did all day.
And if she does, the answer isn't "nothing" anymore. This weekend I'm gonna
do "nothing" and love every minute of it.
posted by
zenbetty at 3:43 PM
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