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wMonday, February 07, 2005 |
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do you ever feel weird? like you don't know how you're supposed to feel?
i've felt that way for most of my life. things don't always feel quite right, no matter what situation i'm in. and you just get used to it. some people can't handle disorder and chaos. i don't think i could live without it. the normal calm feeling is what doesn't feel right to me. i just found out on saturday that a friend passed away last week. when i heard the news, i heard the news. i was aware of the situation, but as usual, i didn't know how i was supposed to feel. it shouldn't be how you're "supposed" to feel, it's how you automatically feel. but if you don't feel the right feelings, you know that wasn't the correct automatic reaction. yesterday was more somber, confusing, sinking in. relationships, parallels, questions, unanswered, sadness. youth.
this morning, i woke up a little earlier than usual to do some yoga, stretch, think, sit, breathe. as i was sitting on my floor, i glanced up into my cd shelf, and i don't usually listen to cd's in the morning, but Radiohead KID A caught my attention immediately and i put it in. for some reason, it just sounded right. for some reason, this album is what i used to listen to when i felt this way, this whatever lost i don't know how i'm supposed to feel or what i'm supposed to do sort of way. when i would be in this mood, i would listen to this cd over & over until i couldn't listen anymore. for some reason, i put in KID A this morning and, again, it said everything i was thinking and feeling but couldn't say myself. so "supposed to" or not, how i feel today is KID A, it explains in music what i can't explain in my own words.
The National Anthem
Everyone
Everyone around here
Everyone is so near
It's holding on
Everyone
Everyone is so near
Everyone has got the fear
It's holding on
How to Disappear Completely
That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here
In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here
Motion Picture Soundtrack
Red wine and sleeping pills
Help me get back to your arms
Cheap sex and sad films
Help me get back where I belong
I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe
Stop sending letters
Letters always get burned
It's not like the movies
They fed us on little white lies
I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe
I will see you in the next life
there is so much sadness in the world. sometimes it's so overwhelming that i can't handle it and i don't know what to do. and it scares me that other people feel this way too and yet we never talk about it. we never talk about it, as if it doesn't exist. and then we seem surprised by the outcomes...as if they're random. but i'm not surprised. and they're not random. it just angers me inside. this silent torture within. but i'm so tired of the silence, of us being polite & quiet. and i will not be silenced...
but today, the words, the truth, the reality in print, 1973, the same age as me, the same town, the same friends. what happened? the tears flow as i sit at my desk and pretend it is another random monday morning at work. and radiohead plays in my ears as it pretends to be a soothing lullaby. but it is sadness that he sings, a sweet sadness, but a sadness still the same.
Light another candle and
Release me
Release me
Please
Release me
Release me
I wanted to tell you but you never listened
You never understand
I wanted to tell you but you never listened
You never understand
posted by
zenbetty at 11:10 AM
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