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wMonday, February 14, 2005 |
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tonight i have been re-reading a bunch of entries that are on my laptop but were never posted before. i think i may post them all very soon. because even though outdated, they do have some interesting things to be said. so yes, it has put me in a weird frame of mind this evening. so yes, i am going to post this entry here without censoring or saving for a later that may never come.
i noticed that i don't really post too much about whatever casual non-relationship that is going on (or ending) in my life, for whatever reason (because i do write about it, but i think that is more so i don't forget how i feel). but i don't ever post it...why? for fear that he may one day stalk me online and find me and feel privileged to have been spoken about? cuz i don't want to trigger that smirk on his face, him knowing that i wasted my words and time on him, which gives him some sort of twisted sense of pride? or perhaps that i'll embarass myself miserably and can't take it back once it's been posted & read. perhaps i don't want to display to the world wide web how truly pathetic/sad/vulnerable/whatever is on my mind that day that isn't worth sharing even in a five-minute conversation with one of my closest friends. yeah, i don't want to share that. i'll share a lot, but not that. not here. there is so much to say about these situations and interactions though (especially the recurring patterns one sees in one's self), that i will convert it into generalities somehow. but i don't need to give any one specific person credit for affecting me a certain way or another. is that just so cold & distant of me? to not acknowledge them just so as to not give them the pleasure of knowing they affected my life??
reading back through the last couple of years, i forget how recently all these things have happened to me. so many times, i had heard, "i never knew you were going through all that." and my only answer was that my mom always told me not to bring other people down. how weird a life lesson is that? to go through your existence keeping all your sadness buried within and only talking about happy thoughts and the weather. perhaps that's why i've disobeyed this rule so much in recent years. honesty. brutal honesty. i'm sick & tired of talking about the weather. maybe it was just the officer's wife's way of life: be polite, blend in, and don't draw attention to yourself or whatever weirdass ideas you might have in your head. is it that simple? or do some people really enjoy watching Faith & Hope every night that it's on? i don't know, maybe i inherited some 'bitter gene' and it's not even my own fault for being so dejected all the time.
sometimes i think i should write song lyrics. but then, i don't really know what genre or how i would like them to be sung. or perhaps they'd be totally pathetic lyrics and all these sappy 13-year-old girls would be singing my songs, but everyone else my age and older would think i was bland and immature. yeah, can't put too much out there, don't offer too much of yourself. you just might expose who you actually are. i would probably be comparable to a bad knockoff of alanis morissette or something like that. rather than being the next thom yorke.
so my point was, i'll write in generalities about love or the lack thereof. only if there's a disclaimer that it can't scare off future relationships cuz i may not even think the same way tomorrow. and i'll do so, only if you don't try to figure out who exactly i'm talking about. unless you really know me, then you probably know who i'm talking about, and you know what, i don't really care anyway.
in relationships as in life, i feel i have mastered the ability to royally screw up everything i touch. i'm sure a few people feel this way, but probably not as strongly as i feel this way. i think i pointed out before that i almost intentionally sabotaged my trip to thailand by barely getting my passport air-expressed a few days prior, getting trashed the night before (but it was the Darkness, c'mon), and by not packing till about 10 minutes after i should have already left for the airport. as subconscious as it all is, i do it so terribly intentionally. i need to read & live by those books, like the 7 steps to highly successful people. but then i was thinking to myself tonight, as i was watching the simpsons and not motivating myself to do anything more, asking myself, do i even *want* to be successful? what does that mean? is it monetary? respect? what do i want?
what do you want to do with your life??
i think i sent this question via email out to friends of mine a couple of years ago; i should sort through the answers again, and post with permission (without name). interesting answers. people always reply to me with the most interesting answers. why do i feel as if i'm so god damn lame all the time? aw shit, i hope this doesn't turn into a few entries about 'woe is me' - because nobody wants to hear that bullshit. perhaps it's just something that happens to me in the SAD months (see?! i told you, i'm stricken with every affliction i hear about) the gray months of january & february bog me down, as i'm sure they do others. but shit, if the sun ain't shinin' i ain't smilin' and i know that's probably not the best situation. i was gonna buy me a sun lamp, like they have in seattle for those depressed people on the gray rainy days (at least i make up these stories if they don't exist) but currently already i have an air purifier blowing in my room because i'm afraid of allergy season. man, have you ever seen the movie Safe? i totally feel like hypochondriac Julianne Moore right now. maybe i oughta change the subject.
okay, to what, how about to the fact that it's 2:44 am on a sunday evening and i really should be sleeping right now.
my mood swings like a tidal wave, and i justify it, attesting to the fact about the volume of input we receive daily, hourly. what if i were in one mood all the time, the same exact mood...how creepy would that be?! (i'd be all stepford wife'd on your ass) is that the main goal in life?! omigoodness. i watched swapping wives or something like that last week and it was the scariest republican christian woman who traded spaces with a lesbian woman in a lesbian relationship, and it was so clash of the titans that i wanted to punch the one woman in the face with her fake perfectionist 'excellence' talk and i wanted to cry for the lesbian woman who gave this other ultra-strict household one night of laid-back fun. what's my point?? i don't have one. it's time for sleep. there's some weird orangutan documentary on pbs right now, but i'm only watching in subtitles and since i'm writing here i can't really read the tv and who the fuck cares?
perhaps it's the fact that it's valentine's day. did i say that already? this sicko hallmark of a holiday that for some reason, as hard as they try, they can't make me feel as lonely on Vday as they make me feel during the christmas holidays. i feel like phoebe cates from gremlins or something now. seriously, i do. we almost didn't want to celebrate the holidays this past year. and so now too, when i hear just joking talk about 'how i'm gonna kill myself' in tv and in person, it really rubs my stomach the wrong way. and i just wanted to punch someone/something last week. punch a wall, kick a trashcan, bang my fists against someone's chest. i just wanted to run and run and run until i couldn't run anymore and just collapse, out of breath, exhausted, with nowhere left to go. i wanted to disappear. i had nowhere to go. i wanted to visit my mom, but she said she'd be working late. i wanted someone to just squeeze me and not let go until i fell asleep, but simultaneously not wanting to touch another person again, no hugs, no contact, just leave me alone. what an odd place to be, and i probably would be diagnosed with some lithium or something disgusting like that if someone got a hold of my brain right now. it doesn't make any fucking sense. i know it's not supposed to, but how does a control freak peacefully coexist with the chaos of nature knowing that they are totally and utterly not in control of one thing at all in life. not one.
i see in my mind's eye incidents, car wrecks, could have been's, missed fates, all the time around me. do you do that? or am i truly crazy? it was raining saturday evening, and i was on the highway about 8pm, one headlight out, windshield wipers going. when i got home later, my roommate said there was a huge wreck about 8:30 and both sides of the highway had to be closed off and perhaps there was even a death. just earlier, as i was driving, i had been concentrating so hard to drive carefully in the rain, while trying even harder not to over-concentrate the situation to not make something of it and just let my autopilot do what it automatically does and does correctly, without over-thinking. without picturing all the possibilities of what could go wrong on that short stretch of highway on this dark and rainy night. but then i got home, and he tells me, and then i proceed to wonder endlessly about the what if. the what if i had been just half an hour later, and what if it had been the car in front of me that hydroplaned, and then i can see it all happening in slow motion yet so quickly at the same time as i lose control and the passenger side of my car slides forward on the slick cement and i'm almost turned 90 degrees around and can see the traffic coming directly to the left of me, into me. and then to feel the collision. and another. and i feel the pain and i hear the breaking and i know that it's final. i want it to be quick. i don't want suffering. and i know i don't want to die.
posted by
zenbetty at 2:51 AM
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