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wTuesday, September 27, 2005 |
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on a road to nowhere
do you ever just drive and don't know where you're going? i do that a lot, well i do that sometimes. i actually don't drive that much, but when something is wrong in my life, very wrong, the car offers some solitude. if you have roommates, sometimes you just don't like to show yourself being sad in front of them. i've always not been good at showing my sadness to others very much. when my father was dying, i would just drive and drive and drive and didn't know where i was gonna end up. monday morning, miss kitty wasn't doing well after the 100-degree weekend. so i took her in about lunchtime for a checkup and some help, and she needed to stay overnight with an i.v. because her fluids were so low and she had become so dehydrated (because of her kidneys failing) that she wasn't even eating. and i'm a bad mother, because i was at acl all day sunday. so i knew that she wouldn't be in my room after work on monday, so i didn't want to go there. i went to the library, which was sort of my own ritual that i would do on mondays. but then after that, i kept driving, not knowing where i'd end up. well, i ended up at Sunflower Restaurant, which i love. i used to go there by myself a lot, well, because honestly, i knew that it would be rare if someone i knew was in there the same time that i was. i sit there by myself, and read what i had just checked out from the library, and i'd know that there's a sadness that exists from something or someone being in your life who is fading away. and the car offers some solace to me. and my drives without destinations. and sitting alone at a restaurant not having the need of conversation or small talk is also a comfort at times.
so tonight, i went to this AFS movie (which was very sad about this very sad boy) and then i didn't know where to wander to once it let out by 9. i didn't want to drink (still dehydrated from this stupid weekend and this stupid heat), didn't really want to see or talk to anyone. i just wanted a couch to curl up on and finish reading my book, but alone. and i couldn't think of somewhere there was a comfy couch and some privacy, but not at home. so i think i'm gonna invent this coffee house/bar, but with more like a "living room feeling" where it wouldn't be weird to see me lounging on my side with a magazine, rather than sitting up straight in proper reading position in an upright chair. but no i'm not gonna really, but yes that is exactly what i wanted tonight. oh, but i also wanted it to be a place where nobody knew me. or cared to talk to me.
so where does that leave me. tonight, without my imaginary perfectly comfortable lounge...well then, at home, where i do what i guess what one calls "surf the internet" all night long in my aimless wandering. when i can't walk the earth, i wander online. i was trying to look up a friend's email off an old yahoo group, then forgot and came across an older yahoo group, which led me searching for "stacey pool" then ended up on craigslist.com (stupidly searching thru the 'missed connections' cuz that was the first thing stacey pool googled up), and then i renewed my AFS membership, and then i looked up what else was on tv per tvguide.com (yes i have cable now) and then i pretend i'm gonna get in shape again, and then i pretend i'm gonna clean my room again (as i sit here and stare at the mess while surfin' the internet all night and watching bad tv), and then i pretend i'm gonna get a good night's sleep again (which it's already 12:34 am and i'm still watching bad tv and i can't turn this computer off either, but it's better than playing my stupid online games till 4am). well, one of the things i did tonight that was actually productive but could have proved fatal, well not fatal, but the "i" "k" "8" "," column of keys on my laptop here has not been working for the past few weeks, which is part of the reason i haven't been online at nights (do you know how annoying it is for keys on your keyboard to not work, much less the 2nd letter of your own freakin' name to not work!) so i completely dissected those two keys (i & k) then i had to dissect the "l" to figure out how to put it all back together which way. then the little bittie pieces under the keys came apart and this all happened last night as i was falling apart which made it all even more unbearable. but then for some reason, they started working again tonight. and then for some reason, i had the patience to focus and get the little pieces to all connect and belong in their place and get the keys attached again, so now of course, i can't stop typing. but i must say, backdraft looks like one of the stupidest movies in the world, why the HELL did it get such a good review?! (it did, didn't it?!) last night i watched Apollo 13 - uh, so-so. i'm sure that it got rave reviews as well. last night, from the library, i rented Team America World Police, Whale Rider, and Taboo. but this should really all be updated on jybil instead of here. and speaking of which, reform school jill needs a good updating, especially seeing as Bad Girls Behind Bars is playing next week, that me and BigSleep666 (and probably HotGirlfriend666) will be attending via AGLIFF.
okay i've said enough. enough said. that's all she wrote. backdraft sucks.
and the fat lady just sang...
"look at him...that's my brother, goddammit!" o jeez spare me.
does stacey pool still exist?
you don't get any links this entry cuz i'm lazy and i don't love you anymore. -zb
posted by
zenbetty at 11:21 PM
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