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wMonday, October 17, 2005 |
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i'm like mike myers (charlie) in so i married an axe murderer...
[The angelic blonde in the broken picture is Charlie's girlfriend, SHERRI.]
CHARLIE
Sherri! What are you doing?
SHERRI
I'm leaving you.
CHARLIE
Oh, thank God... I thought you were robbing our own home, because frankly,
that's insane. I mean, what could you possibly gain by robbing your
own home? I don't mean to meddle, but isn't it better to rob other
peoples' homes? Start accumulating their wealth as opposed to just
reaccumulating your own wealth.
SHERRI
That's not funny, Charlie. I'm really leaving.
[She continues to pack. Charlie tries to unpack her things.]
CHARLIE
What?! Just because we had a fight last night?
SHERRI
We've had a fight every night for two months. Ever since I brought up
the subject of marriage, you've found fault with everything I do. Why
couldn't we have gotten married, Charlie?
CHARLIE
I'm too young to get married. (begins putting her things back)
I'm only twenty-nine and a half. We love living together.
SHERRI
It's been two years now. I need something more.
CHARLIE
See, Sherri, this is frustrating for me, okay. When we first started going
out I thought we agreed that we weren't the sort of people who got married.
SHERRI
That's like saying we're not the sort of people who are going to grow
old. We're not going to fall into that "growing old" trap. Face it,
you've got a problem with commitment, Charlie. Take a look at your other
girlfriends. Every time you get close to a commitment there's something
wrong with them.
CHARLIE
Hey, I broke up with them for good reasons.
SHERRI
What about Sandy?
CHARLIE
Sandy was an alcoholic.
SHERRI
No-no-no. You thought she was an alcoholic. She just drank more than
you drank. What about Jill?
CHARLIE
She hated my family.
SHERRI
You thought she hated your family. Nobody hates your family. Everybody
loves your family. What about Julie?
CHARLIE
She smelled like soup.
SHERRI
What does that mean?
CHARLIE
She smelled exactly like Campbell's Beef Vegetable soup. She was dirty,
physically dirty.
SHERRI
Well, Charlie, I wonder what you're gonna say were my problems? Are you
gonna tell your friends that I was a junkie, that I wasn't supportive
enough or that I smelled like relish? Charlie, I loved you. It could have
worked out. (she goes to the door) Think about it.
[She leaves.]
ANGLE ON - THE BROKEN PICTURE
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - CHARLIE'S CAR - DUSK
[Charlie and his best friend, TONY SPILETTI, are out for a night on the town.]
CHARLIE
I had that dream again.
TONY
Oh, is that the one where you suspect that a fat man in a diaper, on a
lazy susan has interfered with your plans for the evening?
CHARLIE
No, but I have had that one. No, in this one I'm in love...
TONY
Yeah.
CHARLIE
And I say to myself, "I've finally found somebody that I'm truly
comfortable with." You know when you're so comfortable that you'll
let them put makeup on you to see what you would look like if you were
a girl. Anyways you know what I do in the dream next?
TONY
You propose?
CHARLIE
(after a pause) No. I die.
TONY
But Charlie, you're a normal suburban guy at heart, from a normal suburban
family. Didn't you tell me you always wanted to get married and have a family.
CHARLIE
Yes, but, I'm afraid, okay? There are seven main rites of passage in a
man's life. Birth, first day of school, last day of school. Marriage.
Kids. Retirement. Death. I'm at marriage. I'm two rites of passage
away from death.
TONY
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT
[Charlie checks out the girls in the coffee bar.]
CHARLIE
I'm so bummed. Sherri was great, wasn't she? I'm an asshole, aren't I?
TONY
Yes.
CHARLIE
You've got to help me get through this night.
TONY
You've just got to get back on the horse.
[The waitress arrives with two cappuccinos in extremely large cups.]
CHARLIE
Waitress, I'm sorry, there seems to be a mistake. I ordered the large cappuccino.
[Two girls at a nearby table, laugh. Charlie and Tony exchange, "This could be promising." looks.]
CHARLIE
(to the girls) Do you think these cups could be larger? They're practically bowls.
[The girls laugh again.]
CHARLIE
I feel like I'm having Campbell's Cuppuccino.
TONY
Join us in a cup of coffee? There's enough room?
GIRLS
Sure!
[The girls come over.]
SUSAN
My name's Susan and this is June. We think you're funny.
TONY
My name's Tony. This is my friend Charlie.
CHARLIE
Look, Tony, I'm going home. See you later, girls.
[Tony grabs him and pulls him aside.]
TONY
You really don't understand, do you? When a girl comes over to your table
and says, "I think you're funny." It means you've pretty much been given
the keys to the city. Charlie, this is big.
CHARLIE
Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Here's
what's gonna happen, Tony. We'll end up going out with them tonight, maybe
even home with them. Well go out for two months. Soon she'll move in,
we'll be happy, She'll want more of a commitment. I'll be terrified and
I'll do something to ruin it. Just like I did with Sherri.
posted by
zenbetty at 1:31 PM
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