Rather than find things to improve about myself, I like to ring in the New Year by making lists of resolutions for the special people in my life, to help them pinpoint and fix the qualities that aren't so great about them.

Herewith, my resolutions:

TO ADRIAN:
1. Pay less attention to conversations across the room that have nothing to do with you. Try to chime in with your unsolicited opinion as close to never as possible.
2. Wear flattering clothes that fit your body type. 'Nuff said.

TO DUSTIN:
Nothing kills a punchline like a cogent analysis (i.e. "That's so funny because it exposes the folly of our social compacts..."). Please don't ruin it for the rest of us.

TO NOAH:
You're 35 and still living in your parents' house while trying to decide what to do with your life. Guess what: it's half over already. Do anything.

TO LINDA:
Fifteen years ago, getting drunk every night was called "being young and wild." Now it's called "alcoholism."

TO ROBERT, CLINT, TOBY, AND MISSY:
Seinfeld has been off the air for a decade now. You can stop finding constant parallels between your lives and the hilarious misadventures of Jerry and Co.

TO DANIELLE:
Cigarettes are totally rebellious when you steal them. If you actually give money to the huge billionaire tobacco companies, however, you're not a rebel. Also, you're starting to sound like Harvey Fierstein. Time to quit.

C'mon, readers, fess up...you've got armfuls of resolutions you'd just love to give the people in your life! Send 'em to me so I can snicker at your secret cruelty. And Happy New Year!