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wThursday, December 12, 2002 |
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12/11/02 Ramblings from a tire store lobby
some of these were quotes from the book i am reading;
some are random thoughts bouncing through the head
of jill at 3pm on a wednesday afternoon while spending
hundreds of dollars i don't have on new tires
It's not how many ideas you have;
it's how many you make happen.
-advert in mag in tire store lobby
Regret is only energy wasted.
-jill
Prevention is better than cure.
-Erasmus, 1509
An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie,
for an excuse is a lie guarded.
-Alexander Pope
what i like to do in times of questioning is to
watch all kinds of movies and read all kinds of books,
about mind, psychology, meditation, the power of the brain,
then i receive (or do we always receive) so shall i say i notice
and acknowledge mass connections and synchronicities
what some call coincidences, the i ching which have driven
many a men of the western world mad, this overwhelming
amount of information, until i can no longer take this state of
over-awareness and i transform again, into a temporary state
of binge drinking which turns off my mind's eye, because i
think the human brain can only accept so much of this
information overload without comprehension, i don't think we
as a human race are physically capable of grasping and
fully understanding the workings of the universe, the "why"
we forever seek, i don't think we could truly handle the answer
if once it ever did present itself to us.
what i have done so far (right or wrong) that i have never
done before completely by myself
-car shop tune up
-purchase full set of tires
what i plan to do
-financial advisor
-my taxes
-invest and save
-ask for a raise
-look for a job that pays me what i'm worth
-go to the dentist
i shouldn't need new tires until at least 2007
they have a 60,000 guarantee and roadside service
ways to fight cancer:
chemical in the amazon rain forest
carrot juice
broccoli
foliage
antioxidants
melatonin
co Q10
There is no dress rehearsal;
this is your life.
surprised by the truth in my words...
Millions of persons long for immortality
who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy afternoon.
-susan ertz
You must learn to be still in the midst of activity
and to be vibrantly alive in repose.
-Indira Gandhi
Spend the afternoon.
You can't take it with you.
-annie dillard
posted by
reform school jill at 11:47 AM
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wThursday, December 05, 2002 |
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11/23/2002
My father, Phillip Louis Bostur, 63 years old
passed away this morning Sat Nov 23 @ 11:10am
His wife and two daughters, we all three were there
in the room with him, by his side
We didn't notice his last breath
as it was a very peaceful transition
from this world into the next
He had been battling a recurrence of cancer, after being cancer-free
for the past three years, and even a clean bill of health this May.
Since Oct 8, these past six weeks, we had unexpectedly been
in three different hospitals and finally a hospice, Christopher House,
who have been very kind these past few days.
He had a few rough weeks and many restless nights
but his journey in this world ended before he had to bear
too much suffering
Thank you all for your kind words, generous prayers,
warm thoughts, and positive energy directed our way
during this time, as it has been truly & deeply appreciated.
He is loved
and he will be missed
and remembered
-jill
p.s. do not feel obligated, but in lieu of flowers,
we would request donations be made in Phil's name
to www.sunshinekids.com, an organization devoted
to helping children & teens affected by cancer.
thank you again
you are all dear to my heart
p.s. if death scares you, as it does me
again, do not feel obligated to watch me be sad at this time
you can take me out for a drink and a laugh in the new year
when i am ready to embrace the world again
until then, take care of yourselves, treasure every moment,
and tell everyone you love, that you love them.
posted by
reform school jill at 10:03 AM
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wThursday, November 14, 2002 |
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email to a friend:
last night i was having a blast. i got home and joey [my housemate]
and i were having a dance party in my room, playing all these old records
from the day, adam ant and pat benatar and stan getz and aretha.
let's see, i had put myself in this little shell, and i finally got out
of it last month. i wrote a very long letter a few weeks ago
and i realized what i needed to do for myself. anyway,
i have this amazing mental control (some people think
it's a little weird) but i can turn things on and off.
seriously. my old roommate, he used to laugh at me.
i would avoid someone for just a little bit, and he would ask,
what are you doing ~ getting over them? and i'd say yes. haha
then i'd go back and resume my friendship and make it stronger.
my dad is doing better, work is progressing, and i'm in another positive
place for a bit and i just really want to enjoy it. i can't explain
it. but it's good. and it's all-encompassing. and i want to express
it, on every level possible. there's like this light inside shining
and it just wants to burst out through my chest.
i'm sharing a lot more to people who ask me things, and realized
that i don't have to be so afraid to open up. that i'm not weak
just because i say what's truly on my mind. or how i truly feel.
i have to get back in the world. i had no idea. i'm terrified again.
my break is over, actually, and my body craves interaction.
i work. i am a working human body. i am healthy of the bad things
that i cannot prevent. and i am finally aware and smart about the
things i can prevent. after years of being stupid, i made it this far.
i am a working healthy human female body. and it feels good to know
that. after a year of being mad at my body for being damaged, and to
see my father in the hospital for so long, and knowing that i will
battle my own battles again someday. i accept the moment. now.
i am clean of bad stuff. all bad stuff. unpreventable bad stuff. yea!
i am doing so much better. this weekend was great for me. dad was a
wreck this sunday, as well as my mom. she told me a lot of things
from her past which was really weird and heavy. times when you feel
as if you're nearing death, my family opens up on a level that i
wish they wouldn't hide in daily life. my mother & i had some wonderful
talks three years ago when she was having surgery to remove the breast
cancer (oh god! wonderful news #3! my mother was terrified of going
to her annual mammogram last week! and the results came back, and
still no cancer there! so three years! yea, mom! *sigh*) anyway, so i had
to take charge this sunday and monday. i was like, dad~ are you
giving up on us?! he said, no. so i said, then it's time to get
out of this hospital bed. no more sleeping/pain pills. request
physical therapy. it's time to start getting better. and he's
turned around this week. he was in a total depression and it
was completely draining to be in there most every night. and now
it's time to start getting better. jen (my sis) and bro-in-law
are coming in town this weekend with the twins. i told dad he's
gonna have to sit up, and open his eyes, and hug those boys with
every ounce of energy he has. and he seemed to take my advice.
it's thursday and he's doing miraculously better than just how
he was a week ago. i looked at myself in their hospital mirror
and i saw deep into my eyes and i said to myself, shit! i'm gonna
have to grow up now! and then i said, shit! i am growing up!
a couple of days last week i just wanted to sit with someone. sunday,
i just wanted to be in the same room as someone. not my drinking friends
guffawing. not my family anymore. just be in the same room as someone
as they read or wrote or played music, as i just lied there staring at the
ceiling knowing that in essence i wasn't truly alone. cuz i'm not.
although sometimes it feels that way so deep at my core, i'm not.
and if i am, it's a decision i have made for whatever reason and i
can also decide to reverse that decision.
this weekend is going to be quite full for me. my perspective has
changed on most everything. rather than dreading thanksgiving,
i'm looking forward to time with my family. instead of going out all
weekend, i'm looking forward to staying in round rock with my family
and the twins. tonight i will be in the hospital till 930. nothing
planned after that. tomorrow i will be in the hospital till 930,
then i'll probably go back with them to round rock. saturday,
we'll be in the hospital all day and then my house will be
breaktime for the boys (we don't know how long 2-year-olds can
stand a hospital room) so hopefully some of my friends will come
over to meet my nephews and we'll play with reini in the backyard
then we'll go back to the hospital whatever, then i have to leave for work
at 615 then later saturday night after i get done dealing blackjack
i'm supposed to meet some friends at deville for my friend's
bday; she's in from houston. but i don't want to be tired because
sunday will be a family-full day again. sunday night, i will sleep.
then start another week...
thank your lucky stars for everything in your life.
everything happens for a reason, and everything doesn't happen for a reason.
you draw you write you play you eat you drink you dance
you laugh you smile you cry
you live
posted by
reform school jill at 5:52 PM
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wWednesday, October 16, 2002 |
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email to a friend
okay, so rather than starting from scratch, i figured
i'd just post an email i sent to a friend today:
i actually have worked today. for the first time in a week.
i just was not able to focus until today, it's been quite trying.
today, i was very unsuccessful at getting out of bed.
i keep meaning to write more and more and more.
it's not that i fall asleep at night trying,
it's that i cram as much into every minute of the day
and never leave enough time for jill.
my roommate is going out of town next week
so i think i will get some good at home time with jill and jill alone.
we'll see though, i'll probably just invite a gaggle of people over
cuz i don't want to be alone.
good luck on the less coffee. i hear it's a tough one. i stay away from that tar.
i keep a notebook next to my bed, but i never use it.
people tell me they wake up every morning and write for an hour or so
in their journals. i ask, do you let anyone read it? and they say no.
then i question why they write. why do i write. why does anyone write.
to be read? or just to get the thoughts out of their head?
"The things you own, end up owning you." --yes. very true.
i am completely owned.
there's a film playing this film festival
(there are a lot of good ones, have you seen any?)
The Safety of Objects ~ i think that's what i'm obssessed with,
how lost i'd feel if i had nothing
but actually people tell me that's when they feel the most free.
"This ensemble drama, based on the similarly titled short story collection by
A.M. Holmes, follows a series of interconnected stories about the lives of four
suburban families struggling with boredom, disappointment, unhappy marriages, and a haunting trauma from the past."
cleansing process? what's that? i have a dirtifying process. a near-death process. a self-destructive process. i do not cleanse enough. i was looking at my room
today, and part of the reason i couldn't get out of bed was because what a mess i had made of my room. my one room. everything i own is in that one room.
and it doesn't fit. well actually everything else i own is in this storage space.
my friend & i are probably having a garage sale in a couple of weekends, we'll
see. with my father in the hospital, not getting paid was the least of my worries.
it's not money. we could be dead tomorrow. it's not things. they are just
that ~ "things" what is important? people. relationships. life. i don't know,
then why do i avoid people like the plague and only show them my surface.
what do i do to sweat. well, i don't know if i can discuss that here.
but on another note, i was thinking of joining a gym this winter, to avoid
the dark, cold nights. take some yoga classes there and aerobics, whatever.
i want to eat more fruits and vegetables. i don't want to grow old and feeble
and weak and helpless. it sucks.
life. well life is full of ups and downs. sometimes so down i can barely
pick myself up. there is a great peter tosh song.
hearing it, made me buy the album on venice beach. just like that.
vacation was quite enlightening for me. i had a lot of free time to myself
to walk and watch and think.
it's funny how people tell me i'm strong. i feel like the weakest person in the
world right now. and i know it's so apparent as to how i carry myself and the
look on my face. i can't even hide it it's so overpowering, this weakness and
loss of knowing what to do.
i don't know if i ever really will have a peace and calm. i'm afraid i might thrive
on excitement and danger. those are times i feel truly alive. and those are the
times when i know i can help someone else out. if i don't have someone or
something to worry about, i'm just waiting for something to happen next.
one good note, which made me cry today, a happy cry that i haven't done in
awhile. i hope you don't mind me sharing, but i think i told you a lot of the
stuff i was going through last year. well, i had a highly abnormal pap smear
last year and pre-cancerous cells and had to have the minor surgery. well i
went back in april for three-month check-up (i have to go every three months
until i get normal for one year, then annual again) well in april it wasn't normal
still, and i lost it for awhile. i thought we did this fucking surgery and for what.
nothing. that didn't fix the problem. i was a mess. knowing that i would have to
go back every three months just to watch the results come back not normal,
and it would be a cycle of continuous visits just waiting for the slightly abnormal
to become highly abnormal again, when we would have to do something about
it again. and on and on and on. july came and went, and i didn't go back in for
my three-month visit. so finally in september, i called and made an appointment for october. i was terrified. last tuesday when i went in. work what it was. dad
just checked in to a hospital. and then i had my own health issues to deal with
that i had finally decided to confront. tuesday, i was a mess. i was no help to
my mother. i was barely staying awake because i was so tense from the
worrying that comes from anticipation of doctor's visit. then we had emergency
surgery for my father, and tuesday would just never end. tuesday night i slept.
well, i really had no idea how much this was affecting my daily life, my own fear
of calling up and hearing "abnormal. see you in three months." so i called today. we had done a different pap smear, that broke down the cells more and would
avoid anything that might wrongly diagnose. so i'm shaking. and calling.
and one message: completely normal. i'm crying right now as i type this.
i know this little stupid battle is far from over. and i know mammograms are
soon and then i'll have one more thing to worry about. but for now, normal.
for now, i don't have to worry for another three months. for now, i can call my
parents and my sister and give them one bit of good news and one little hope
that things will be better. i know this shit comes back. look at my father. and
his father. and my mother. and my mother's mother. i'm doomed, man, it's so
deep in the family line, it's ridiculous. well it's quite scary actually. but for now,
i think i'll be able to sleep tonight.
my father. well it's much more serious than we could have ever thought.
the cancer is in his lungs and his heart and the fluid around it all. he moved
to a more live-in hospital for a week or so, they're watching his recovery and
they're going to start the chemo treatments and see if his lungs and heart
are strong enough to handle it, seeing what he's been through this past week.
if i am strong, you people must be the weakest human beings on earth.
no i haven't submitted a story to the chronicle. ever. i've never submitted
a story, a poem, nothing anywhere ever. actually, i'm a bigass wimp. i can't
stand rejection. can't stand it. perfectionism will get in your way in most
things in life. fear of failure makes me not try a goddamn thing ever.
that's fucking pathetic. oh yeah, i'm also supposed to be trying not to
be so hard on myself anymore. yeah...good luck with that, jill.
Right now, I'm reading nothing. why? because i can't finish a book.
can't sit still long enough to remember the chapter or half a chapter
i read the previous week. this is one thing that i really do want to do.
read more. my sister reads every night. practically a book a week, probably.
i'm actually not very familiar with anything political or current,
i don't watch the news, i missed the deadline to register to vote
last week. i freakin' am all talk and zero follow through.
wow, that really sucks.
happy? well i guess you have to be really sad at times to know how good it
feels to be really happy. strong? i feel as if i'm the weakest being on earth,
probably not even of this earth, subhuman at times, i have no idea what i'm
supposed to do, or what is right, or how hard i should work here, or if i should
look for another job, if i should spend every minute with my father, if i should
visit my nephews more, if i should give more time for myself, if i should go out
less and stay in more and eat healthier. i know what's right, in the big picture,
i guess we all do. and as gluttonous as it may sound, we really are only on
this planet for a limited time, and sometimes i seriously feel we should never
deprive ourselves of anything. for when will you get the chance again. or what
if you get hit by a bus tomorrow. that may sound selfish, sure, but i don't know
what it all means in the end. i usually do what feels right, and it feels like i
should be doing it. but right now, i don't know anything. i have no idea what
i'm supposed to do, or how i can help, or if i'm supposed to sit back and just
ride this crazy roller coaster of life wherever it takes me, and stop questioning
so much, and stop fearing so much.
i have this overwhelming sense of whatever i do doesn't matter,
hence an overwhelming sense of "i don't care"
reminds me of really rosie
damn pierre, didn't care about a thing, until...
posted by
reform school jill at 6:08 PM
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