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wWednesday, September 26, 2007 |
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15 Things I Learned in Marfa this Weekend
There were some things I already knew, some things I had forgotten but remembered, and some things I learned for the very first time.
1) I remembered I love road trips. Hitting the open road and heading out of town is one of the best feelings in the world. Listening to good music without a care in the world and leaving your life behind in the rearview mirror is completely invigorating.
2) I enjoy the company of strangers. I rode up there with two new friends (strangers!) and rode home with another new friend/stranger. Both trips (6+ hours!) were highly enjoyable conversing with these new people in my life, and just learning about them and who they are and where they have been and where they want to go. The most refreshing aspect of being amongst these strangers was that they were not judging me, they didn’t have any preconceived notions of who I am or who I was or who I'm supposed to be, and they had no expectations of me, no grudges against me, and nothing but an earnest appreciation of my company. And that meant the world to me.
3) I’m not allergic to bees after all! Yes, I got stung on my left breast (!) while wearing my bikini at the pool. Ha! I had been terrified of being stung by a bee my entire life because my father was completely allergic and had to race to the hospital for a shot upon being stung. So weird it is (and such a waste of time) how much energy you can scare yourself with stuff that has never happened before, and when it does finally happen and it didn’t turn out as bad as you expected, you’re like omigod, wasted energy! So I'm trying to change that completely. But unfortunately that puts me back into the “live fast, die young” mode. Alas, I'm no longer young, so I think that just means I'll be living fast. Ha. But point to be noted: there is much to be said for caution. Just not for cowardice.
p.s. Why is everyone so afraid of bees? I thought I would almost die was my legit reason. It barely even hurt. (But you should have seen the frozen shocked expression on my face as I held my breath for about half an hour, waiting for my body to implode. It was pretty funny. Well awkward funny, but still funny nonetheless.) But people, unless you are allergic, there is no reason to be afraid of a bee sting.
4) I don't look half bad for a 35-year-old gal. I also enjoy the company of people my age, rather than the 22-year-old hipsters who are invading the Austin scene. (No offense to those 22-year-old hipsters who I am actually good friends with. You, personally, are wonderful in my eyes! And I enjoy being around you because, well, I need some drinking buddies and the old farts my age (sorry old fart friends) can't keep up anymore. Not that I really can either, but you know what I mean.) It was just fun talking about stuff from years back and you didn’t have to explain everything, like they knew the same bands, the same tv shows, the same movies of your time, and that instantly created a “yeah, I know where you’re coming from” kind of rapport. Regarding the hipsters these days who are too cool for me to hang with, perhaps it’s just my time to move on out and leave this city behind for the next generation of kids. Sounds good to me. I have christened this city well for you, you next generation of youth. Enjoy it. And don’t destroy it. And keep all those condo-moving-in mother-f’ers in line. I’m leaving you with a mighty task, young people of austin: keep my red river dirty.
5) I make a pretty decent bartender. And I enjoy it. And I enjoy hard work, manual labor, and getting a little dirt under my nails. I love picking up kegs, getting filthy with dust blowing in my face, beer sloshing over my clothes, and my boots completely covered in mud. And then, not even showering it off at the end of the night. Mmm. Gross disgusting beautiful feeling. I love it, ha. Let's go camping again soon. Say when.
When.
6) I need to sleep more. If anyone can figure out that one for me, please do let me know.
7) I let two new girl friends braid my hair and put make-up on me (yes, in the middle of a desert campsite, we were primping one night, ha). And as much as I resisted, it really was kinda fun. And I have come to the conclusion that braids look pretty good on me, if I may say so myself. But people hollering at me "hey cowgirl" and "hey pigtails" to get better service at the bar is something I would only allow in Marfa TX (so don't you locals go gettin' any silly ideas).
p.s. Braids shrink up when you get them wet. And then they look like fish scales the next morning. Oh and then your hair totally frizzes when two days later you finally take them out and you decide you absolutely must brush that rat’s nest and it takes about two hours to brush out all the gnarly tangles, and then you look like you stuck your finger in an electrical outlet. No but seriously, it really was fun.
I sat in one of these dutch tubs one night. O to be able to afford one for my backyard would be nice.
8) Old friends are some of the best friends you can ever have. It's great to spend the entire day with someone you have known for over 17 years. And even better, that every time you run into them over those past 17 years, whenever it may be, you slip right back into that comfortableness and familiarity that comes with knowing someone that long. And instead of feeling more distant with the passing years and fewer conversations, you actually feel the opposite, you feel that much closer during these random sightings, birthday blessings, and lovely surprise encounters in the middle of a West Texas desert. And you don't waste your time talking about stuff that doesn't matter. I love that, getting to the real grit right away. People talk too much about stuff that doesn't matter. Why are people so afraid to talk about that which may be scary or painful or real or sad. So instead, they keep it to, "How’s the weather?” Chitchat. I hate that. Oh, I'm not supposed to 'hate' anymore. Let me rephrase: chitchat, I will eliminate that.
9) I do have goals and dreams and desires and aspirations. And I am a creative person. And I don't need to show anyone a 'final product' per se to prove it. I don't need to prove it at all. I don't need to get something published or put something out there just to show that there are ideas in my head worth listening to or worth reading or believing. And I don't need anyone to ever tell me I'm unmotivated. Perhaps they just can't see the twinkle in my eye, that spark of inspiration that is triggered almost every other second of almost every day within me. I know what's in me, and I love it.
10) I love being in nature. I love the sun. I love swimming. I love sleeping under an open sky. I love running around with dogs and children in a field and not acting my age. I love helping out strangers. I love being helped by strangers. I love coming up with solutions to problems the old-fashioned way. I love small towns, texas charm, and the thrill of a new place. I love nobody knowing my last name, where I grew up, or what I was doing twelve years ago. I love flying by the seat of my pants, going with the flow, and not having any idea how I'm getting back home after a weekend in west texas...and not even blinking an eye or spending one ounce of worry on that situation you find yourself in. Live in the now, the present. Forget about everything else. I'm replacing all negative thoughts with only positive ones. We only grow by outgrowing.
11) I took pictures of the clouds and the scenery on the drive up there. And that was it, ha. I took no other pictures the entire weekend. Except one: the liquor store. I pulled it out only that once for the liquor storefront photo. Cuz I'm like that. And yes, it will probably take me six months to get those few pictures off my camera and posted online. Get over it.
12) I can play the saw. Yes! I was taught (and I learned!) how to play the saw. At first, my "technique" sounded like a dying cat, but then I was patient enough and didn't give up. I'm sure I looked completely awkward and uncomfortable sitting there with a saw squeezed between my knees, held in the proper “S” curve position (ha), barely balancing on a barstool, but I did it. (Who only knows if I could ever do it again though.) And thank you, my saw-playing teacher (who was rather patient as well).
13) I love laughing out loud and having a permanent smile on my face. I love people who can make me laugh and I can make them laugh. I laugh just thinking about laughing. I'm a pretty funny gal when it comes down to it. And if you can stand me, I'm pretty fun to hang around with as well.
14) As much as I dread going to work, or leaving for out of town, or exercising, or whatever the case...the dread is futile. It is wasted energy. Once I step foot outside of my front door, and sit behind the wheel of that car or enter that airport, I'm great. I am no longer in control or fretful of what I might have forgotten. It’s too late now, and I can't fly that plane. My desire for control disappears completely as I realize that everything is now out of my hands. If I could just realize that more often in the little things in life (like that horrible cliche "don't sweat the small stuff"), well then I'd probably stop and smell the roses a lot more. Even though I’ve never come across a random field of roses. (And I probably wouldn't accomplish much either actually, ha, bending over with my nose to the dirt all the time.) And packing for trips, I really use very little of what I bring when it comes down to it. I do not know at all why I have so much in my closet or why I pack so much in my bag. I wore about three things, but I could have lived off of what I had packed for an entire month. No lie. Which I almost decided to do. Again, no lie. I almost didn't come back...
All I need are some vegetarian snacks, contacts solution, and...well, that's really about it, the rest is inconsequential. Except beer. I need beer. And vodka doesn't hurt either. And straws. Straws are always fun. See, there goes my list again. Okay, but eating, seeing, and drinking are pretty vital things. I can keep those three on my list. We’ll worry about clothes and shelter when we get there. Wherever ‘there’ is.
15) I found myself again. I thought I had lost me, but I was incorrect. I have been here the entire time.
posted by
zenbetty at 2:32 PM
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Jan 2 2007
New Year's Resolutions
this struck me as funny, cuz yes it is easier to fix things in other people's lives than in your own...
 Rather than find things to improve about myself, I like to ring in the New Year by making lists of resolutions for the special people in my life, to help them pinpoint and fix the qualities that aren't so great about them.
Herewith, my resolutions: TO ADRIAN:
1. Pay less attention to conversations across the room that have nothing to do with you. Try to chime in with your unsolicited opinion as close to never as possible.
2. Wear flattering clothes that fit your body type. 'Nuff said. TO DUSTIN:
Nothing kills a punchline like a cogent analysis (i.e. "That's so funny because it exposes the folly of our social compacts..."). Please don't ruin it for the rest of us. TO NOAH:
You're 35 and still living in your parents' house while trying to decide what to do with your life. Guess what: it's half over already. Do anything. TO LINDA:
Fifteen years ago, getting drunk every night was called "being young and wild." Now it's called "alcoholism." TO ROBERT, CLINT, TOBY, AND MISSY:
Seinfeld has been off the air for a decade now. You can stop finding constant parallels between your lives and the hilarious misadventures of Jerry and Co. TO DANIELLE:
Cigarettes are totally rebellious when you steal them. If you actually give money to the huge billionaire tobacco companies, however, you're not a rebel. Also, you're starting to sound like Harvey Fierstein. Time to quit. C'mon, readers, fess up...you've got armfuls of resolutions you'd just love to give the people in your life! Send 'em to me so I can snicker at your secret cruelty. And Happy New Year!
posted by
zenbetty at 12:42 PM
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wWednesday, March 21, 2007 |
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Happy Birthday To Me
So...for many a years now, having it been post-sxsw or merely post-spring break, I have habitually thrown myself a birthday party the following weekend. Probably every year since the age of 19. Though this may seem a bit egotistical, it couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not the type who withholds my birthday information to make people prove they can remember my birthday, I do it simply as a reason to celebrate. My reason. Or me and my friend's reason. Or me and my friends' reasons. Hey! It's my birthday! Let me buy you a beer! A reason to party. To celebrate. To gather with friends and it not be about work or a new home or a certain holiday or coworkers or appearances or anything. Just get drunk in my yard and he who falls down first wins.
Now, the subject of a house party has been under debate for quite a few years now. (i.e. I'm 35...do I really want to throw another kegger?! Do I really want to host a party where the 21-year-olds are now fourteen years younger than me, rather than me being the 21-year-old throwing the party?! When oh when is it eventually time to grow up?!) So you contemplate that 'nice dinner party' where a few of you gather at Mars or Castle Hill or some other over-priced restaurant that I never go to anyway, nor do I really care to go to. (It really isn't about diamonds for me. And I'm a vegetarian, so who wants to pay $15 for a salad.) So what do I want?
Could this be the postpartum SXSW talking? (ie. Now what do I do with my life?) When the idea of sitting and doing nothing and just reading a book sounds like the most wonderful of wonderful activities. To read a book and not think that you are wasting your time or that you could be doing hours of work still or that you could be doing hours of personal stuff to prepare you for the negative time you will have throughout the months of February and March. Where have all my friends gone? I haven't talked to them in months...will they still remember me? Will they pick up the phone if I call or reply to my emails when I send them one? Will they understand that I didn't have a life for those three precious 30-day intervals from the onset of 2007? Who has gotten married or broken up or gotten pregnant or wrecked their cars or got laid off or moved to a new home or started a new project or went back to school or found the love of their lives or whose mother has fallen ill or all the daily ins and outs of normal life when I don't have that normal life, that through conversation connects you to the loved ones around you. Not the inane chatter of how is the weather, but the deep and honest conversations that truly connect you to the people in your life. Started a new job, playing in the band of my dreams, passed the bar exam, got arrested again, dyed my hair platinum, things that will make this person who was almost a constant in your weekly routine now almost seem as a stranger that you will have to relearn, but only if they are willing to let you relearn them. And will also have to be rather content with you not having anything new or exciting to say because you will have to relearn yourself as well, and invent new memories in the oncoming months ahead.
These things, these connections, these conversations, it's what makes my relationships real with other people, other friends, my chosen family of my life. I ask a lot of questions, bam bam bam, nonlinear as the thought or question strikes, cuz I want to know the details, the story is in the details, don't miss a single detail or don't bother and let's just start over. And now...I have a build-up of three months of unasked & unanswered questions. Do I start over? Do I start from today? Do I just say hello and let things unwind as they will? Do I rent the season of Lost and 24 so that I know what everyone in the grocery store is talking about?
No.
I just stop. Kick back. Slow down. Start over. Begin anew. For the first time, on this start over time of all times, Miss Kitty is not there waiting for me to wind down with. This little furry creature who I spent 14 years with is not there when the clock finally turns from 200% speed back to normal, and I can watch a bad sitcom without staring at the clock thinking I should be doing something else, something productive. And missing Miss Kitty may seem like the most random of things to say, but it was the one thing that definitely struck me last night when I got home to crash because I couldn't stay awake past 5pm for lack of sleep during the past month. There are my friends, who know who they are, who I got to see a lot during SXSW that I absolutely did not think I would get to see, and there was one that I would have very much liked to see, but it didn't work out. And there were others who I knew I would see afterwards so I wasn't too afraid of not seeing them at that time. But now, how do you ask...Hey? What are y'all doing tonight? Can I join again? Even though I had to blow you off for the past three months? or...Hey, wanna go to lunch sometime, even though I haven't been able to take a lunch since January? Some people understand, and some people don't. And some people understand all too well and know when to smother me with kindness when I am sad, and to leave me some breathing room when that sadness is pushed to the brink of tears. And sometimes this week you will see a glance of a smile, of pure joy, of I survived, and I did well. And with all that being said, I can be me again. That other 75% of me that we haven't seen in a while. That other 75% of me that is there 75% of the year. And hopefully, hopefully, my friends will understand. And slowly let me back into their lives with their stories of life and love and romance and sorrow and anticipation and excitement and fear and all of the wonderful emotions that make us human. And friends.
So...what does this have to do with my birthday? Well, I have always tried to get people together, from all walks of life. Friends of friends of friends, or old coworkers, or old roommates, or old friends who don't talk anymore but should, and old lovers who aren't really mad at each other anymore but don't know it yet, and hippies and posers and preps and bartenders and rockers and artists and quote "normal" people and just all people. Last week, I hated everybody. This week, that statement couldn't be further from the truth. I miss my father. I miss Miss Kitty. And I am grateful for everyone else I have met along the way. And I have always tried to get them together the week after the chaos when it is no longer about the chaos, but it is just about being together as human beings again, and celebrating life. It's not about my birthday, it's about us celebrating our lives. together.
Sorry I'm being sappy. I'm still rather weak and tired right now. And sick. And wanting to jump for joy to the sky, while at the same time, wanting to lie in my bed for four solid days and hire a personal chef, chauffeur, masseuse, and physician.
But come celebrate with me Friday, if you have the day off work like I do. I am in need for some spirits and libations. aka "I love a good day drunk!"
p.s. Monday is officially my birthday. I plan on getting daydrunk Monday as well. There's nothing so compellingly delicious as getting daydrunk on a weekday at 2pm...
posted by
zenbetty at 5:51 PM
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