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wThursday, November 06, 2003 |
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for some reason, these ads just really piss me off:
www.facetheissue.com
you know, like when has picture perfect kate hudson (with goldie hawn as a mother!) ever been depressed?!
and when has j-lo ever had self-esteem issues?!
how patronizing are these ads from unreachable famous celebrities trying to talk to normal people about their personal issues. man, i hope these ads don't work. cuz they're just gonna feed these peoples' issues even further.
you know, if they personalized it, like if julianne moore said that she actually did fight anorexia and overcame it with the help of this organization and her family,
then that would be something.
but if she's just using her voice on here to get more money to make more money off people who feel so bad about themselves that they can't even eat,
then damn, we're missing the entire point! as usual...
well, and then again, i could be the wrong bitter one, and if a 16-year-old girl
on drugs listens to the voice of sarah jessica parker and it makes her face her problems...then good for her. and i'll shut up.
posted by
zenbetty at 6:06 PM
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wSunday, October 12, 2003 |
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bluebird
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
-Bukowski
posted by
zenbetty at 10:35 AM
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thoughts for the day 02/19/03
well i've decided recently that i guess i should just start believing people
when they tell me i'm crazy. and just accept the fact. and then relish in it.
my analogies about relationships lately are about being in a band:
a relationship is kind of like being in a band
it's about how long you stick it out as a band member
it's how people view 'being in things'
like, are they just in the band having fun while they're playing,
are they in it because they just like to play and they'll play with anyone
just so long as they can play, but got no loyalty to a single band
or are they in it because they think they're gonna make the bigtime!
like this is it, baby! this is the one!
and then, you know, when you realize you've been playing the
same songs in the same band in the same town for so many years
and it sort of fizzles out because you've been through three drummers
in the past three years and you sort of wonder to yourself
why am i in this, again? and then you realize that it might be time
to bail out, either to start your solo career or to play with another band
because you know you aren't gonna be rich & famous in this band.
but that's not really what you're looking for. you just want people to
enjoy your music as much as you do. but then you sort of realize that
you're not enjoying your music as much as you used to when you started
in this band anyway.
so you leave. because it doesn't seem worth it anymore. just to play,
without feeling the passion.
and then the band replaces you...and hits the bigtime!!!
my friend the other day said something to the effect of "that's crazy as shit!"
then added, "man, my analogies are so complex."
last night, we were talking about peace-loving rioters.
i said, "you know what hippie mace is? deodorant spray."
i don't know if i made that up or not, but i was clearly cracking myself up.
man, i need to carry around a pen & a paper! fuck that~ a tape recorder!
i miss so much funny stuff coming out of my mouth that could be worth
something someday.
i received a list email with subject titled "shopping cart basics"
i thought how hilarious ~ shopping cart etiquette!
i think my friend at work was even talking about that recently
it could be along the lines of defensive driving meets common courtesy
and being aware of your surroundings in a grocery store environment
but then i read further and it's about paypal and other online options
and i start cracking myself up at my desk
i'm so not high tech, no matter how much i pretend to be...
i just found out last night that cyndi lauper's she-bop was about masturbation!
it's quite obvious now, looking at the lyrics, but heck! i was 12!
...boy, am i naive at times...
and brazil is about lobotomy?!
i think i sort of knew that...right?
yeah...pretend like you know what you're talking about, jill.
fake it till you make it, is my motto. yeah, i have no
idea what's going on. me just like the pretty pictures.
what a great tagline though: Have a laugh at the horror of things to come.
i read today on someone's site i do not know:
"[This site] is more a state of mind than a physical place.
It reflects my main goal in life: to accomplish as little as possible."
gee, i wish i could be so frank with myself.
i think listservs are great, especially the ones where you don't
know any of the 300 people on there. seriously, i do. i get to look
inside the lives of these other people i don't know. meet random
women in parking lots to buy a used printer. drive to strange houses
in south austin to pick up a red hat box on a front porch that i don't
need at all. but yeah, i enjoy living life like that. where it doesn't really
make sense, but i do it anyway.
they should come out with a new rock-n-roll line for tupperware
or something. you know, then tupperware parties could be 'cool'
and you could brag about going instead of being embarrassed that
you're really thrilled about the new line of FreezeSmart Mini Bowls.
you could add, but have you seen them?! they've got Pat Benatar
on them! they're awesome! i bought two whole sets this time,
Pat and the Lita Ford Collection.
yeah, never mock my tupperware party again, bitch!
[p.s. the above entry is fictional. i have never been nor ever will
attend a tupperware party. first you need to cook food items to
actually have a reason to store them.]
$7.00 Sales Specials: (thru 3/1/03) - Modular Mates Spaghetti Dispenser
w/choice of Bold 'N Blue, Black, or Hunter Green seals ($9.50 value)
awesome! give me all THREE!! i'll dispense your spaghetti, baby. yeah.
there's a well-known fact in modern society:
that a shower helps one stink less at work. yeah.
i'm gonna start ending all my sentences by saying yeah after i finish them.
yeah. until it gets real annoying and all my coworkers hate me. yeah.
but then they can just say, "she's crazy anyway." yeah.
people think i don't love myself. they couldn't be further from the truth.
i think i'm better than sliced bread! i'm just striving for perfection, which
lately i have found might be unachievable, but i haven't given up yet!
p.s. i'm gonna find the cure for cancer, too. oh yeah, and sometimes i set
unreasonable goals for myself, ya think.
living for the city
being me is like being an actor who's afraid of getting busted because
he's not really that good of an actor at all. like he was just captured
being himself on tape, and people liked it. and they're like now do this,
now do this. and he was like, oh i was just being me, i wasn't acting.
and then they realize that he wasn't that good of an actor. he's still
a good guy, but he isn't all he was cracked up to be.
yeah, i'm just me. but sometimes i don't realize what 'me' looks like
to the rest of the world. i guess it can be pretty damn impressive at
times. but i really don't know any other way to be. and then when
they expect me to be a certain way, perhaps how i was last week even,
i'm like hey! i'm just being me. back off. i can't be your me.
i tried to convince my mom monday night that she was crazy, too.
and that if i can go to therapy, she should definitely go to therapy.
i'm not going, but i thought that might convince her, if she realized
she had raised a crazy daughter. yeah, people tell me that i shouldn't
say everything that is on my mind. i'm like, why not. it's there.
why does everyone think that if you're full of self-doubt that
you don't love yourself
i want someone to love me not because they think i'm wonderful,
but because they know i'm flawed
i'm doing an experiment, one of many on my list
do you, too, try something new all the time?
new ways to think, new ways to schedule your time?
i decided lying in bed from 5am-8am this morning
that May would be the month of sobriety and health
that after sxsw and marleyfest and eeyore's that
i would take a break from the 'scene' and give my
body a rest and train for a month, see what happens
and maybe june 8 would really be the day that i
actually try to go through with this triathlon thing
that's on my list of to-do that has never been to-done.
eating healthy, yoga, sleeping right, and waking up
early, yeah, let's try this thing for a month, we
could do it for one month! (you like how i refer to
myself as 'we'?!)
another experiment. never (what's the verb for) experimentized
now michael jackson, he's the crazy one.
half the women i know around me are on anti-depressants.
and some men, too. is it really that we're all crazy, or is there
something just terribly wrong with our society right now.
why is everyone afraid to feel?
my friend told me something the other day--and i had thought he did
everything on his bike, he rides everywhere, hundreds of miles, but
never really competes, doesn't like competition, which is fine &
understandable to me. i was talking about filmmaking and i'm afraid to try
because what if i suck? i'm afraid of failure--he said to me in confidence,
you know what, i only do things i know i can do. i said what?! you ride
everywhere and you're afraid of nothing. he replied, nope, i really don't
do something unless i know i can do it.
that truly surprised me. i thought he could do anything. i thought he
would try anything. i couldn't have been further from the truth. and
he complimented me for the way i just throw myself out there at times.
with life. love. work. i had no idea. i thought i was a big wimp.
it's 1-2-3-4
as in 12:34
yeah, i'm going to whole foods now...
-afternoon. after lunch.-
less creative after i'm full and sleepy
so i was at the roller derby on sunday
and my friend rachael is convinced that i should try out
i informed her, that seriously, i cannot skate!
that i had my bday party there at playland last year
and i fell on my ass a few hundred times
well, at least four or five times, but still!
i had no natural skating ability, no balance,
and people were skating circles around me.
she said they'll teach you, you'd practice.
i said, i don't practice anything, i'd never
get better because i have zero discipline.
and she says, that's perfect! that's your name!
so...there you have it...if i ever do try out
for roller derby and if i ever do make it,
my roller derby name would be Zero Discipline...
posted by
reform school jill at 9:07 PM
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wTuesday, April 08, 2003 |
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things i learned today:
girls with guns are hot
naked protestors are hot, too
i am still madly in love with the internet
running into your gynecologist at lunch is awkward, um, very awkward
my sweater shrunk, i think, or else i grew two inches last night
a girl turning 31 in austin tx is really not much
different from a girl about to turn 30 in mexico city
sometimes things do turn out the way they're supposed to--justly
iams isn't very nice
we all are global nomads
you don't need theft insurance for your credit card and other scams
ideas sound great, but hardly do i ever do something about
what concerns me in the world
people around town are tearing down neighbors' peace signs with a vengeance
and 101 ways to stop the war:
# 101 ~ Give up the belief that the world is going to hell in a handbasket.
Put fear to one side, and replace it with the confidence that we can solve
our many problems, if we work together. We are incredibly creative, inventive
people. We have to do this. What other option do we have?"
today i learned there is both good and bad in the world,
and how we react to it is up to us.
today i learned there is not much difference, as much as we'd like to think,
between us all as human beings on this tiny little planet that we need to
cherish and protect...from ourselves. it's all we have. we're all we have.
posted by
reform school jill at 5:23 PM
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won't you be my neighbor?
the house next door has a For Rent sign in the front yard.
it's been drawing a lot of attention, and it's been interesting to watch the
different sorts of people out there looking for a place to live. it's always
fun to wonder who your new neighbors are gonna be (maybe for me,
that stems from years of growing up on military bases, prime locations
for high turnover on new neighbors ~ is it gonna be my new best friend?
my new boyfriend? are they even gonna have kids my age? what if we
don't like them, do i still have to be nice to them?)
today, i walked outside to quickly dispose of something in the outside
garbage can, and i shout BRRRRR as loud as i can at the world for being
cold to me on my day off. i then turn and scuttle to the trash can on the
other side of our porch, lean over and reach to throw something away,
and i see a fella standing in the next door driveway, checking out the
place and the layout of the backyard, but now looking at me.
i mumble, oh sorry (for being so loud & obnoxious). he smiles quickly
(like, was nothing). then i nod (cool) and turn around, walking back to
my front door, wondering if i should have said something more, like sold
him on the place to live, or if i should have made chit chat with him to
figure out if he would have been a good neighbor or not. and if not, i could
have told him something awful about the landlord or something (of which
i know nothing, actually). so as i'm walking away from this two-second
encounter, i'm thinking all of this. and i'm thinking also if he's wondering
about me at all. like, what a freak, screaming off her front porch, i don't
think this is my kind of neighborhood. or, she's kinda quirky, i think i'll
fit in great around here.
i turn and look back quickly, then shut the door, ready to proceed with
my day of doing nothing. but as i turned around for that last glance, i
thought to myself, i wonder how we appear as neighbors to house hunters,
with stocks on our front porch for the past month...selling point?! or not..?
posted by
reform school jill at 4:11 PM
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wSunday, March 02, 2003 |
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I have been taking this filmmaking class for seven weeks, and it seems almost
more like therapy to me. When working on scripting, we did some freewriting
exercises. I feel comfortable posting this, well, because they are uncensored
and untouched by me after being originally written, allowing my perfectionism
of a final document not get in the way of sharing the thoughts in my head.
The one we did in class was My Body is ______, which was surprisingly positive
for me. At-home assigment was to write on the topic: There are things I don't
want to tell you. Which, of course, was going to be a little more negative in its
subject matter, but I still sort of like what came out, although I had this weird
rhyming thing going on.
We had passed around the My Body writings in class, and picked a line from
another for influence on the second & third round of writing on that topic.
What follows is what was written on Mon Feb 10 in class about My Body,
and the second entry Things I don't want to tell you, was written later that
same week by myself.
posted by
reform school jill at 11:47 PM
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My body is my own. My body is my strength. My body is a vessel for disease.
My body is everchanging. My body is overprotected and underappreciated.
I am no longer ashamed of my body. I no longer flaunt my body, for worldly
goods gained by that method no longer appease me. I have forgiven my body
for being sick and now we are healing. Now we are preventing future ailments.
My body has been neglected and yearns for more interaction. My body is a
child catching up with my old soul. My body is an extension of myself. It is
a glowing orb of joy and love. My body is pumped by my heart who can feel
the strengths and weaknesses of many. My body is aware and can sense my
surroundings. And can dance. And can ride a bike. My body is a work of art.
Nudity is an unnecessary fear. My body feels the spiritual energy of others.
My body likes to have her toenails painted and her legs shaved. My body
would like a firmer ass, but it'll do. My body could use some exercise and
some love. My body will never be taken for granted. My body is at peace now.
At least for awhile. My body will wage war against me some day, and it's a
battle i'm afraid i might lose. But for now, I mustn't proceed with fear of
death and cancer hanging so heavily over my head. My body could hold
the weight of the world. Yet my body is light as a feather. My body is
misunderstood, fully explained, and an enigma. My body is my buddha.
My heart is the center. My brain is the control. Some time, I must learn
to relinquish some control. And go more with the flow of life within my body.
I should listen to where my body takes me, how my body feels. I should eat
when I am hungry, sleep when I am tired, and cry when I am sad. My body
needs laughter. My ears, my smile, my lungs, all need laughter. My body
needs touch and comfort and consolement. My body is all I have.
My body hates perfume. Hates onions. My body is the center of my world.
My body needs yoga. My body needs to be appreciated from the tips of my
toes to my belly button to my fingertips.
---sentence from another's freewriting:
Whose is bigger, whose is smaller
whose looks better, whose wins the game.
---my freewriting influenced from that:
Is it all a competition? As we strive for perfection in this modern-day world
of illusion and backwards. Bigger boobs, smaller waist, prettier face. She
gets the prize. It is not about the prize. It is not about the looks. It is
about confidence, grace, poise, humor, gestures, warmth. It is how you
use your body with hugs and bellowing laughter, with sex and with jumping
off swings. It is how someone else appreciates you personally. Not the media.
The masses are asses. Your body is you. Your body is love. Your body is
beauty and perfection. If we could only truly see the beauty in everyone, we
would realize that it is not a contest. We would realize that to judge others
is to criticize ourselves. What if the world was dark or we were all blind. The
body is about health. The body is about generating new life and sustaining
that life. The body is about stretching and purring and running and jumping
for joy. Hers is bigger, hers is shorter, hers is more round. And we are all
women. We are all human. And we are all perfectly beautiful with all our
imperfections.
---sentence from another's freewriting:
I finally trust this shell, a mold that my soul was poured into.
---my freewriting influenced from that:
I finally trust this shell, a mold that my soul was poured into. My body is
me. This face is mine. This smile. This laughter. It is beautiful. There is
beauty all around you always. If only you could learn to see the flaws and
imperfections not as mistakes but as golden opportunities for individuality.
This body is mine. I can do with it what I want! I can drink myself to death.
I can eat forty vegetables a day. I can jog. I can smoke. And I can suffer
or enjoy the consequences of my actions. My body is a blend of my mother's
neuroses and my grandfather's nose. My body screams Italian-German. My
body desires to be higher off the ground. Perhaps you see more the higher
you are, and my body craves vision. I am very lucky to have my body. Full
of sight. Full of sound. Full of energy and love. My body is no longer a
detriment or a hindrance. My body. My heart. My soul belongs here in this
shell. It all fits. We are one. All 13 personalities and me. This body of Jybil.
I have made many mistakes along the way. And I hope my body forgives me.
Heck my body is me. Still, I need to seek its forgiveness with my actions. My
body is usually right. My body has a seventh sense of its own. My body
travels through time and brings me back souvenirs. My body is a space suit
that maybe I will exchange for another in a later day. My body is this weird
pile of skin keeping in all the blood and bones and organs and thinks it is in
control. My body is where science meets art.
posted by
reform school jill at 11:07 PM
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wThursday, February 27, 2003 |
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There are things I don't want to tell you
Secrets deep and dark
I am weak when I should be strong, and strong when I should be weak
I am the antithesis of all that is pure & good and yet pretend that I am holy
There are things I don't want to tell you
skeletons in my closet, pasts I wish I could deny
there are truths that have been forgotten
and lies that have forced their way into my reality
There are things I don't want to tell you
and things I never will, things I think my family
would disown me for if they even knew
there have been places I've ended up that I didn't want to be
there have been decisions I've made that I wish I could retract
there are lives I have hurt and many times my own heart broken
there are lost children and broken marriages and car wrecks and bounced checks
there is misfortune, disease, & lies. there are one-night stands and many bands
there have been kisses, near misses, and mistaken blisses
there are things I don't want to tell you
about my past about my future
about who I'll never be and who I never was
about the side of me you'll never see that I keep hidden with lock and key
there are late-night orgies and early morning gorgings
there has been gluttony and fasting, short-term and lasting
there have been many a night where I ended up I don't know where
and many years to get me far from there
there have been hotel rooms and dark smoky bars
there have been young and old, near and far
there has been hate deep in my soul and love I have denied
there have been nights I've been violent and days where I've cried
i have broken hearts & mended few, I have many a times been lost what to do
thirty years full of mistakes, regrets are few, as I keep learning what to do
there are things better left unsaid, accusations against my mother
there are bad thoughts in my head that I choose to not disclose
there are fears that if someone pried opened my brain
and really saw what was inside, they would lock me up for good
there are places I have been, odd people I have seen
there have been long and lonely nights full of broken dreams
posted by
reform school jill at 11:43 AM
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wThursday, February 06, 2003 |
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email to a friend who was upset with me for not keeping in touch:
my life right now consists of trying to be there for my family
trying to start a life of my own somehow
i have weeks worth of emails that i never responded to
that are sitting in my inbox, waiting for me to find time and deal
perhaps i'm in denial a little bit
i hardly even talked to anyone for the last three months
i had my own shit, on top of that shit
had surgery two decembers ago which all really fucked with me
i avoided my check-up visits for almost a year, then last october
i finally mustered the courage to go back in and was considered 'normal' again
i had a doctor's appointment last week and have been dreading the
results so much so i've been making myself an emotional wreck
hopefully, you will somewhat understand where i am coming from
was this too much information? oh well, you asked for it
if you want to talk personally with me lately, that is what i talk
about. death, cancer, health, life, love.
i am sad and happy and fearful and full of unexplained, unexplored
emotions
i wanted to invite you to the group outing we were having this past
saturday night, where joey was playing music i thought you'd enjoy,
where i was taking a break from my worrying long enough to smile
saturday was a beautiful day and i just rode around my old stomping
grounds on my bike, and smiled as i listened to the girl from ipanema
many of these mass emails, i don't even go. i just thought my friends
would like to know. i have sort of dropped out of 'the scene' since
october after my father was admitted to the hospital. people stopped
calling and emailing me, realizing that i'd either contact them when
i was ready to talk or go out again. or they stopped because they
respected my space. or they stopped because they didn't want to
hang out with someone who had the idea of death and cancer in their
head. many of my friends just like to 'have fun' and i am so not
in that mode right now. i have re-evaluated most everything in my life
this last month. and it's all a little frightening, intimidating
to say the least.
i was gonna try to email you when i had happy things to say. i was
taught to never complain (although i think i do my fair share of that)
my mother told me people don't like someone who complains. i am sad
deep down, and i have yet to overcome these feelings yet. perhaps
you never do, and you just let them find their place within your heart.
i have been seeing this boy off & on. sure he seems to like me,
but he doesn't really want anything and is probably moving in the
fall this year. so why do i bother? or what do i want out of things?
i don't know. for now, it's nice. so why should i complain.
because i just think that i'm no good at relationships in general
and i'm terrified of getting my heart broken.
i'm taking a filmmaking class. i realized that a lot of the time why
i didn't pursue creative routes such as writing or photography or
filmmaking was that my family (my father) saw these as cute
little 'hobbies' and that one shouldn't indulge too much time in
these activities and should be advancing in their career or their
'real job'
i have found bad thoughts in my head like
"now i have one less parent to disappoint"
i have found that i am too old to let my mother intimidate me
or instill guilt upon me
and my relinquishing her power of that, she has begun to use it less
by me just telling her that it's not working
i have found that i need much more financial stability in my life
that i need to start saving, investing, whatnot. i'm THIRTY!
i should have a healthy little nest egg by now, but i have nothing.
i must start now
i realized in november, that i have never bought a full set of tires
without my father's guidance, never taken my car to the shop w/o
letting my father intimidate them a bit on price. i realized that
there was a lot out there that i was taking for granted and should
have been more appreciative of the life around me when it was around me.
don't talk. DO.
is my new motto. i'm tired of talking about 'dabbling in writing'
i want to say 'yes, i write.'
i am afraid of the future. afraid of the past. afraid of death.
death is everywhere. handsome joel getting hit by a drunk driver.
waking up saturday with the space shuttle disaster. i have an
overwhelming amount of empathy and cannot think about the lives of
others without feeling everything they might feel.
catch up? i haven't caught up with myself long enough to let others
even know how i am. i caught up with a friend saturday and found myself
crying at the bar with her, finding emotions i haven't touched
since my father's passing, laughing with her, letting it out. i had no idea.
so i apologize, but only to a degree, for my elusiveness.
i just wrote this quickly and found more in my head that i didn't
even know was there until i wrote this. i will not include you on
mass emails, unless they are important to me and i'd really like
to see you there.
your girlfriend was kind to invite me to new year's day. thank her
for me. i believe i did, but i can't quite remember anything lately.
new year's eve, before going out, my mother saying good-bye, have fun
then almost in tears saying
please jill please don't let anything
happen to you. i couldn't go on if it did.
sxsw is starting up again, so what little you saw of me before
you'll see even less of me now, unless i run into you during the
sxsweek, which hopefully you'll be out enjoying some of the music
last week, mon i had class, tue i had a dr appt and stayed home that night,
wed & thurs i stayed in with a friend and a coworker and drank
wine. i am not the jill-who-goes-out-every-night anymore. nor am i
the jill with good news and a smile always. hopefully, some of this
sadness will pass. this year will be tough. next month is my bday,
may is my parent's anniversary, and june is his bday. i loved that
man. with all my heart. i think he is the only man i have ever truly
loved. i'm crying at my desk right now, but it's good. because at
least it means i can still feel.
i will talk to you soon.
posted by
reform school jill at 5:15 PM
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wTuesday, January 14, 2003 |
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i had this weird attack sort of thing on sunday. well it wasn't an 'attack' per se.
it was maybe an intense visualization of something awful and i couldn't shake it.
let me start by saying that my father passed away two months ago. which made
me re-evaluate everything: where i live and work, who is my family, who are my
friends, true friends. that i should spend more time with my mother, although
we have our differences. and i should try to be a better aunt and more present
in my nephews' lives. this past sunday, i was really looking forward to it. my
mom and sister and two little two-year-old nephew twins, we all went to Stubb's
Gospel Brunch. it was great! well, i don't know if the singing was all that great.
but it was great to have my family all together. i had tried a couple of times to
get my father and mother to go with me, just because. i even cancelled a
reservation we had once, well, because my dad was a lot more sick than i
guess any of us realized over the past year or so. he didn't feel up to it,
wasn't well enough to hit the town for a couple of hours. anyway, it was great,
these boys who are finally old enough to not be scared of me anymore, old
enough to enjoy themselves without crying for something, old enough and
smart enough and have their own little personalities, staring at the singers
on stage, beck dancing on the table as my mother held him. van letting me
carry him around and look at all of the lights on the sound board. i knew my
mother was going to start crying as she's hugging beck from behind him
and swaying with him as he was learning to dance a bit, as the women
sang Amazing Grace, the only song my mother requested to be played
at my dad's memorial service. but it was okay. as she whispers to me,
"your father would have liked this." and i respond, "i know."
"i know" is my answer to most everything these days. i think people
communicate to understand each other, what they think, how they feel.
when people scream, "there's no way you could understand what i'm
feeling!" it's sort of, "i feel so alone with these feelings" sort of feelings.
a "nobody could have ever felt this much pain" sort of feeling. the
"i don't see how they could have picked themselves up because i
can't even see a light at the end of the tunnel" kind of feeling. and
then, for someone to tell you or talk with you, that they've been there.
or they've felt that. or they know what you're going through. well, does
that just help you feel more sane that all these crazy thoughts in your
head and feelings in your heart aren't really that crazy after all. is it
just reassuring to know that others have survived such heartbreak
before and you weren't the first one and you will survive it, too.
and i guess you take a step back and you realize what you do
have, what you still have, and you treasure it. there was this one
moment after i had spent the whole week of christmas with my
mother, half the week just me and her, and at one point we got
into our usual fight where she does something then i say something
in my tone and then it turns into blah blah blah. anyway, i was going
out new year's eve, and she's on the phone sort of in a panic attack
saying, "jill don't let anything happen to you. i couldn't stand it. i
don't think i could go on if anything happened to you." and i responded
"mom! that's ridiculous! if anything ever happened to me, you HAVE
to go on and be a wonderful grandmother for those two adorable
babies of jen." and she said yeah you're right. but then i was all
terrified that something was gonna happen to me and she'd never
get out of bed for months.
all this in your mind, let's proceed back to this past sunday. we go
to the breakfast brunch. and it was great. and it was a rainy cold
day. and we stop at tj maxx so they can return the pirate ship
for the thomas the train set. and so i'm following them under the
intersection of 183 and braker. they had followed me before and
it was the first time i was behind them now. we're waiting at the
red light, and this car in front of my sister's car zooms through
their almost red light at speeds that people in austin do, running
the red lights as people in austin do. and all i could think to
myself was "Oh God Jennifer. Please do not go as soon as the
light turns green." over and over i thought, "Oh God Jennifer. Please
do not go yet." in less than a minute, i pictured everything horribly
possible. in front of me, were the only four remaining members
of my family. in front of me were ALL four members of my family.
in front of me was a 35-year-old woman, her two 2-year-old sons
and their grandmother. in front of me was this little honda that
was going to get sideswiped by some jackass who was late
for nothing on a sunday afternoon but too stupid to slow down
lest he sit at a red light. in front of me all that existed was gone.
i pictured myself not being able to get out of bed. nor go to work.
nor talk to anyone. nor eat. nor sleep. nor breathe. i couldn't
breathe. in front of me, everything that i knew died. i saw it.
it was awful, sitting there behind them, waving, they pull
forward and BAM. i pictured in slow motion watching their
car going to the right and killing the driver side immediately,
then swerving in the rain and hitting the wall of 183 about
four times, killing what was left inside, whatever had a chance
of surviving the initial impact, killing all that i knew was a family.
i pictured not knowing what to do and bawling immediately. i
pictured calling 911 on my cell and saying that twin 2-year-olds
are dying in a car wreck right now. please send an ambulance.
i pictured dead babies in their highly effective child seats, but
not effective enough to survive a full force crash of any kind.
i pictured collapsing to the ground and not being able to get up.
not being able to get up. i can't move my legs. i can't breathe.
people don't know we're related and don't know why this lady
is collapsed on the side of the road. i pictured running up there
instead, after calling 911, and the blood, oh the blood was
everywhere. i pictured checking for a pulse on my sister's
neck and finding nothing. i pictured my entire family, what
was left in it, dead in this one car. all of them. my body
gave way. i couldn't breathe. and then i really couldn't breathe.
i pictured it all, in so many ways, so many versions. i was
bawling and gasping for air. and wanted to get out of my car
and run up to their car and scream, "You can't all ride in the
same car! Ever!" I was bawling and i couldn't stop. i guess
i haven't really dealt with the loss yet, or my fear of death.
they were just gone. all four of them gone. in an instant.
i pictured the future and that since the nephews were gone,
i really wouldn't talk to my brother-in-law anymore. i mean,
if my sister had passed away, i think i would still try to be
an aunt for my nephews and force Todd to allow me and
my mom to visit her grandbabies. i pictured my aunt and
uncle in pennsylvania, who we hear from so little already
because they are so far away, and now that my father has
passed away we will probably hear from his brother less,
i pictured never really keeping in touch with them anymore.
i pictured my mother's side of the family, not really talking
to them much, seeing how we only see them once a year
on thanksgiving which sometimes turns into an unpleasant
visit anyway. i pictured never talking to todd again. pictured
him sitting there widowed, having just lost his wife and two
baby sons. pictured him sitting alone in his empty house
with nothing but reminders and memories and pictures of
what was. i pictured his mother and father and 90-year-old
grandmothers and sister and brother-in-law all being there
for him, however. him being smothered with attention when
all he might like to do is to be alone and mourn. him writing
or not writing. him experiencing a loss like i'd never experience
and me experiencing a loss very much unlike his. and yet,
never really talking to him again, this man who married my
sister and who is father to my two nephews, and without
them in my life, we really don't have a reason to remain in
contact. i pictured having to call him and not being able to
speak. i pictured having to plan the service and my mother's
entire real estate community and everyone telling me how
sorry they are for me and they have no idea. they have no idea.
they did not see the dead babies in the backseat. they did
not see the only family i had left in the world die right before
my eyes. they did not see the black void inside me that
caused uncontrollable crying and near-convulsions on a
rainy sunday afternoon experiencing something that did
not happen.
after that, i wasn't quite the same that day. we all took a nap
and my sister asked what was wrong. and i said well, i pictured
something horrible, i pictured you all dying in front of me, you
four can never ride in the same car ever again, you are all the
family i have left in the world. and she laughed, and said
what a weird thing to picture, we're all still here. and i said yeah.
but i couldn't shake what i saw. nor could i explain it.
sunday afternoon was quite tiring for me. and quite sad.
and it was all in my mind. but sometimes what is in your
mind is more real than the world around you.
this was the first time i've been able to write or even think
about it since sunday. email me if you have any comment at all.
posted by
reform school jill at 2:46 PM
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