|
 |
|
w |
|
|
 |
Excerpt from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
the best scene ever:
EXTERIOR. FLAMINGO HOTEL - AFTERNOON
A GIANT SIGN: THE FLAMINGO WELCOMES THE NATIONAL DA'S
CONFERENCE ON NARCOTICS & DANGEROUS DRUGS.
DUKE (V/O)
If the Pigs were gathering in
Vegas, I felt the Drug Culture
should be represented as well...
and there was a certain bent appeal
in the notion of running a savage
burn on one Las Vegas hotel and
then just wheeling across town and
checking into another.
The WHITE WHALE turns into a VIP parking slot, immediately
attended by impressed MINIONS.
DUKE (V/O)
Me and a thousand ranking cops from
all over America. Why not? Move
confidently into their midst.
INTERIOR. FLAMINGO HOTEL LOBBY - AFTERNOON
DUKE enters -- old Levis, grubby sneakers, 10 peso Acapulco
shirt coming apart at the seams, 3 day growth, eyes hidden
behind mirror shades. He heads for the check-in line.
DUKE (V/O)
My arrival was badly timed.
THE PLACE IS FULL OF COPS. 200 of them, on vacation, all
dressed in cut price Vegas casuals: plaid Bermuda shorts,
Arnie Palmer golf shirts, and rubberized beach sandals.
Ahead of DUKE -- A POLICE CHIEF argues with the DESK CLERK.
The POLICE CHIEF'S AGNEW STYLE WIFE stands to the side,
weeping. The POLICE CHIEF'S FRIENDS stand uneasily around.
POLICE CHIEF
What do you mean I'm too late to
register? I'm a police chief.
From Michigan. Look, fella, I told
you.
(waves a POSTCARD)
I have a postcard here that says I
have reservations in this hotel.
CLERK
(prissily)
I'm sorry, sir. You're on the
"late list." Your reservations were
transferred to the... ah...
Moonlight Motel, which is out on
Paradise Boulevard...
POLICE CHIEF
I've already paid for my goddamn
room!
CLERK
It's actually a very fine place of
lodging and only sixteen blocks
from here, with its own pool and...
POLICE CHIEF
You dirty little faggot! Call the
manager! I'm tired of listening to
this dogshit!
FRIENDS restrain the POLICE CHIEF.
CLERK
(solicitously)
I'm so sorry, sir. May I call you
a cab?
The POLICE CHIEF's screamed insults fade away...
DUKE (V/O)
Of course, I could hear what the
Clerk was really saying...
CLERK
(IN DUKE'S IMAGINATION)
Listen, you fuzzy little shithead --
I've been fucked around, in my
time, by a fairly good cross-
section of mean-tempered rule-crazy
cops and now it's MY turn. "Fuck
you, officer, I'm in charge here,
and I'm telling you we don't have
room for you."
DUKE steps to the desk, around the raging POLICE CHIEF.
DUKE
Say. I hate to interrupt, but I
wonder if maybe I could just sort
of slide through and get out of
your way. Name's Raoul Duke --
Raoul Duke. My attorney made the
reservation.
DUKE snaps a credit card down onto the counter. EVERYONE
goes silent. The POLICE CHIEF GROUP stares at him like he
was some kind of water rat crawling up to the desk. The
CLERK hits the bell for the BELLBOY.
CLERK
Certainly, Mr. Duke!
DUKE
My bags are out there in that white
Cadillac convertible. Can you have
someone drive it around to the room?
ALL EYES turn to the gleaming WHITE WHALE.
DUKE
Oh, and could I get a quart of Wild
Turkey, two fifths of Baccardi, and
a night's worth of ice delivered to
my room, please?
CLERK
Don't worry about a thing, sir.
Just enjoy your stay.
DUKE
Well, thank you.
DUKE gives the POLICE CHIEF a polite smile -- crosses to the
elevator -- turns to face the GAWKING COPS -- pops a can of
beer and toasts them. The doors close.
posted by
zenbetty at 10:06 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
w |
|
|
|
tonight i have been re-reading a bunch of entries that are on my laptop but were never posted before. i think i may post them all very soon. because even though outdated, they do have some interesting things to be said. so yes, it has put me in a weird frame of mind this evening. so yes, i am going to post this entry here without censoring or saving for a later that may never come.
i noticed that i don't really post too much about whatever casual non-relationship that is going on (or ending) in my life, for whatever reason (because i do write about it, but i think that is more so i don't forget how i feel). but i don't ever post it...why? for fear that he may one day stalk me online and find me and feel privileged to have been spoken about? cuz i don't want to trigger that smirk on his face, him knowing that i wasted my words and time on him, which gives him some sort of twisted sense of pride? or perhaps that i'll embarass myself miserably and can't take it back once it's been posted & read. perhaps i don't want to display to the world wide web how truly pathetic/sad/vulnerable/whatever is on my mind that day that isn't worth sharing even in a five-minute conversation with one of my closest friends. yeah, i don't want to share that. i'll share a lot, but not that. not here. there is so much to say about these situations and interactions though (especially the recurring patterns one sees in one's self), that i will convert it into generalities somehow. but i don't need to give any one specific person credit for affecting me a certain way or another. is that just so cold & distant of me? to not acknowledge them just so as to not give them the pleasure of knowing they affected my life??
reading back through the last couple of years, i forget how recently all these things have happened to me. so many times, i had heard, "i never knew you were going through all that." and my only answer was that my mom always told me not to bring other people down. how weird a life lesson is that? to go through your existence keeping all your sadness buried within and only talking about happy thoughts and the weather. perhaps that's why i've disobeyed this rule so much in recent years. honesty. brutal honesty. i'm sick & tired of talking about the weather. maybe it was just the officer's wife's way of life: be polite, blend in, and don't draw attention to yourself or whatever weirdass ideas you might have in your head. is it that simple? or do some people really enjoy watching Faith & Hope every night that it's on? i don't know, maybe i inherited some 'bitter gene' and it's not even my own fault for being so dejected all the time.
sometimes i think i should write song lyrics. but then, i don't really know what genre or how i would like them to be sung. or perhaps they'd be totally pathetic lyrics and all these sappy 13-year-old girls would be singing my songs, but everyone else my age and older would think i was bland and immature. yeah, can't put too much out there, don't offer too much of yourself. you just might expose who you actually are. i would probably be comparable to a bad knockoff of alanis morissette or something like that. rather than being the next thom yorke.
so my point was, i'll write in generalities about love or the lack thereof. only if there's a disclaimer that it can't scare off future relationships cuz i may not even think the same way tomorrow. and i'll do so, only if you don't try to figure out who exactly i'm talking about. unless you really know me, then you probably know who i'm talking about, and you know what, i don't really care anyway.
in relationships as in life, i feel i have mastered the ability to royally screw up everything i touch. i'm sure a few people feel this way, but probably not as strongly as i feel this way. i think i pointed out before that i almost intentionally sabotaged my trip to thailand by barely getting my passport air-expressed a few days prior, getting trashed the night before (but it was the Darkness, c'mon), and by not packing till about 10 minutes after i should have already left for the airport. as subconscious as it all is, i do it so terribly intentionally. i need to read & live by those books, like the 7 steps to highly successful people. but then i was thinking to myself tonight, as i was watching the simpsons and not motivating myself to do anything more, asking myself, do i even *want* to be successful? what does that mean? is it monetary? respect? what do i want?
what do you want to do with your life??
i think i sent this question via email out to friends of mine a couple of years ago; i should sort through the answers again, and post with permission (without name). interesting answers. people always reply to me with the most interesting answers. why do i feel as if i'm so god damn lame all the time? aw shit, i hope this doesn't turn into a few entries about 'woe is me' - because nobody wants to hear that bullshit. perhaps it's just something that happens to me in the SAD months (see?! i told you, i'm stricken with every affliction i hear about) the gray months of january & february bog me down, as i'm sure they do others. but shit, if the sun ain't shinin' i ain't smilin' and i know that's probably not the best situation. i was gonna buy me a sun lamp, like they have in seattle for those depressed people on the gray rainy days (at least i make up these stories if they don't exist) but currently already i have an air purifier blowing in my room because i'm afraid of allergy season. man, have you ever seen the movie Safe? i totally feel like hypochondriac Julianne Moore right now. maybe i oughta change the subject.
okay, to what, how about to the fact that it's 2:44 am on a sunday evening and i really should be sleeping right now.
my mood swings like a tidal wave, and i justify it, attesting to the fact about the volume of input we receive daily, hourly. what if i were in one mood all the time, the same exact mood...how creepy would that be?! (i'd be all stepford wife'd on your ass) is that the main goal in life?! omigoodness. i watched swapping wives or something like that last week and it was the scariest republican christian woman who traded spaces with a lesbian woman in a lesbian relationship, and it was so clash of the titans that i wanted to punch the one woman in the face with her fake perfectionist 'excellence' talk and i wanted to cry for the lesbian woman who gave this other ultra-strict household one night of laid-back fun. what's my point?? i don't have one. it's time for sleep. there's some weird orangutan documentary on pbs right now, but i'm only watching in subtitles and since i'm writing here i can't really read the tv and who the fuck cares?
perhaps it's the fact that it's valentine's day. did i say that already? this sicko hallmark of a holiday that for some reason, as hard as they try, they can't make me feel as lonely on Vday as they make me feel during the christmas holidays. i feel like phoebe cates from gremlins or something now. seriously, i do. we almost didn't want to celebrate the holidays this past year. and so now too, when i hear just joking talk about 'how i'm gonna kill myself' in tv and in person, it really rubs my stomach the wrong way. and i just wanted to punch someone/something last week. punch a wall, kick a trashcan, bang my fists against someone's chest. i just wanted to run and run and run until i couldn't run anymore and just collapse, out of breath, exhausted, with nowhere left to go. i wanted to disappear. i had nowhere to go. i wanted to visit my mom, but she said she'd be working late. i wanted someone to just squeeze me and not let go until i fell asleep, but simultaneously not wanting to touch another person again, no hugs, no contact, just leave me alone. what an odd place to be, and i probably would be diagnosed with some lithium or something disgusting like that if someone got a hold of my brain right now. it doesn't make any fucking sense. i know it's not supposed to, but how does a control freak peacefully coexist with the chaos of nature knowing that they are totally and utterly not in control of one thing at all in life. not one.
i see in my mind's eye incidents, car wrecks, could have been's, missed fates, all the time around me. do you do that? or am i truly crazy? it was raining saturday evening, and i was on the highway about 8pm, one headlight out, windshield wipers going. when i got home later, my roommate said there was a huge wreck about 8:30 and both sides of the highway had to be closed off and perhaps there was even a death. just earlier, as i was driving, i had been concentrating so hard to drive carefully in the rain, while trying even harder not to over-concentrate the situation to not make something of it and just let my autopilot do what it automatically does and does correctly, without over-thinking. without picturing all the possibilities of what could go wrong on that short stretch of highway on this dark and rainy night. but then i got home, and he tells me, and then i proceed to wonder endlessly about the what if. the what if i had been just half an hour later, and what if it had been the car in front of me that hydroplaned, and then i can see it all happening in slow motion yet so quickly at the same time as i lose control and the passenger side of my car slides forward on the slick cement and i'm almost turned 90 degrees around and can see the traffic coming directly to the left of me, into me. and then to feel the collision. and another. and i feel the pain and i hear the breaking and i know that it's final. i want it to be quick. i don't want suffering. and i know i don't want to die.
posted by
zenbetty at 2:51 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
wSunday, February 13, 2005 |
|
|
|
my horoscope for this week:
Happy Valentine Daze, Aries! During my quest for the advice that might be most helpful to your love life, I gathered the following words of wisdom. 1. "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche. 2. "Love is not about losing freedom; it's about sharing freedom with a partner who's as talented a liberationist as you." -my friend Sarah. 3. "I hunger for your sleek laugh and your hands the color of a furious harvest. I want to eat the sunbeams flaring in your beauty." -Pablo Neruda.
i really liked #2. i'm always afraid of losing my freedom. guys shy away sometimes cuz they think i'll want that typical relationship and i'll want to stay at home every night and i'll eventually make them check in with me all the time. like some ladies who have their man 'whipped' per se. but it's not like that. it's not like that at all. i doubt i will ever have a guy under my little finger. i could never (would never want to) do that to someone. i'm almost afraid of *me* having to check in, or being checked on...what did you do last night, girl?! i don't know, went out with my roommates, my friends. i'm being me, and i don't know how to be 'me' when someone else is in the picture. i don't know how to be me and honestly find someone else who can actually keep up.
but then i read #3, and how beautiful would that be if i met someone who wanted to the eat the sunbeams flaring in my beauty. how brilliant. i'm wooed by the words alone.
posted by
zenbetty at 5:28 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
wMonday, February 07, 2005 |
|
|
|
do you ever feel weird? like you don't know how you're supposed to feel?
i've felt that way for most of my life. things don't always feel quite right, no matter what situation i'm in. and you just get used to it. some people can't handle disorder and chaos. i don't think i could live without it. the normal calm feeling is what doesn't feel right to me. i just found out on saturday that a friend passed away last week. when i heard the news, i heard the news. i was aware of the situation, but as usual, i didn't know how i was supposed to feel. it shouldn't be how you're "supposed" to feel, it's how you automatically feel. but if you don't feel the right feelings, you know that wasn't the correct automatic reaction. yesterday was more somber, confusing, sinking in. relationships, parallels, questions, unanswered, sadness. youth.
this morning, i woke up a little earlier than usual to do some yoga, stretch, think, sit, breathe. as i was sitting on my floor, i glanced up into my cd shelf, and i don't usually listen to cd's in the morning, but Radiohead KID A caught my attention immediately and i put it in. for some reason, it just sounded right. for some reason, this album is what i used to listen to when i felt this way, this whatever lost i don't know how i'm supposed to feel or what i'm supposed to do sort of way. when i would be in this mood, i would listen to this cd over & over until i couldn't listen anymore. for some reason, i put in KID A this morning and, again, it said everything i was thinking and feeling but couldn't say myself. so "supposed to" or not, how i feel today is KID A, it explains in music what i can't explain in my own words.
The National Anthem
Everyone
Everyone around here
Everyone is so near
It's holding on
Everyone
Everyone is so near
Everyone has got the fear
It's holding on
How to Disappear Completely
That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here
In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here
Motion Picture Soundtrack
Red wine and sleeping pills
Help me get back to your arms
Cheap sex and sad films
Help me get back where I belong
I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe
Stop sending letters
Letters always get burned
It's not like the movies
They fed us on little white lies
I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe
I will see you in the next life
there is so much sadness in the world. sometimes it's so overwhelming that i can't handle it and i don't know what to do. and it scares me that other people feel this way too and yet we never talk about it. we never talk about it, as if it doesn't exist. and then we seem surprised by the outcomes...as if they're random. but i'm not surprised. and they're not random. it just angers me inside. this silent torture within. but i'm so tired of the silence, of us being polite & quiet. and i will not be silenced...
but today, the words, the truth, the reality in print, 1973, the same age as me, the same town, the same friends. what happened? the tears flow as i sit at my desk and pretend it is another random monday morning at work. and radiohead plays in my ears as it pretends to be a soothing lullaby. but it is sadness that he sings, a sweet sadness, but a sadness still the same.
Light another candle and
Release me
Release me
Please
Release me
Release me
I wanted to tell you but you never listened
You never understand
I wanted to tell you but you never listened
You never understand
posted by
zenbetty at 11:10 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
wTuesday, February 01, 2005 |
|
|
|
i think i'm a drag queen
trapped in a woman's body
--
the not-so-news the past few weeks:
no, officer. i'm not drunk. i just like really fresh breath.
knit a steve zissou cap!
-courtesy of cut-out witch
dear dave matthews band, please don't shit in our rivers.
men just want mommy (aka why 'boys' don't want smart & powerful women)
-courtesy of ennea
elvis was a cute kid!
being paul allen.
-courtesy of the daily chord
why NOT to talk about drugs online.
yes, the conservatives are really that bored...
-courtesy of bigsleep666
nuts for your trucks (what *has* this society reduced itself to?!)
--
this is the best link ever! the link of all links. i can't wait to fill it up.
link me to your link as you link links then we can link links together!
--
I forget everything if I don't write it down and have it completely in front of me
I forget everything that I do write down if I don't read it weekly
I was so disappointed to find out that a vomitorium was not really a place where one vomited
--
17Jan05
For some reason, today, 'remember' looked like the weirdest spelled word...
I sent out this update 101 recently and I have gotten the best responses from it. Responses from people I'm so glad emailed me back & are still in my life. Responses that re-initiated contact with a couple of people that I'm glad we're back on frequent emailing terms. Yea to the friends in my life!
My hands are cold at work today. My fingers might fall off.
--
why are people so elated when they are productive. i think being unproductive is one of my greatest joys in life.
--
omigod, this Day in Pictures series from USAToday.com is so harsh & so sad:
2) A young girl listens to her teacher explain what has been happening with relief efforts since last month's tsunami...
3) An Iraqi girl screams while a solder checks her for wounds. Her parents were killed when U.S. soldiers fired on their car which failed to stop, despite warning shots, in Tal Afar, Iraq. Five children in the backseat survived.
4) A girl waits with her parents at the General Hospital of Port-au-Prince, Haiti. Doctors are continuing a three-week strike to protest unpaid wages.
5) Bears saved from a bear farm wait to undergo medical checks at a rescue center in Sichuan Province, China. Local authorities rescued 45 bears that had steel catheters embedded in their gall bladders to be milked for their bile.
--
"What did you do as a child that created timelessness, that made you forget time? There lies the myth to live by."
- Joseph Campbell
posted by
zenbetty at 11:55 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
